[Daughter responds] - AITA For telling my husband he shouldn't be upset when my daughter said that her uncle would be the one to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day? (2024)

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/beige_donut19 and u/Strange_Birthday_790 posting in r/AITAH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 18th July 2024

Update from the daughter - 18th July 2024

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AITA For telling my husband he shouldn't be upset when my daughter said that her uncle would be the one to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day?

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Note: Using fake names. And please do be kind, English is not my first language.

I (F 46) got pregnant with my daughter Sarah (F 26) when I was in college. My parents and my then boyfriend's parents pushed us to marry which we did. My late husband unfortunately passed away a week after our daughter's second birthday because of a heart complication that we did not even know he had. It was a very hard time for me and I went through a very bad depression.

Four years later, I met my now husband Robert (M 46) on a blind date set up by a friend. He was one of my best friend's cousin. We hit it off and got married a year later.

Even when we were dating, he was very hands on with my daughter, and it did not take too long for my daughter call him "papa". Even until we got married and when I got pregnant two years into the marriage and gave birth to twins (M 17 and F 17), he still acted like a father to Sarah. She was even included in my husband's family reunions, and the cousin group photoshoot that my in-laws' organise every Christmas.

Things took a bit of a turn when Sarah turned eighteen. She started calling him by his first name and both Robert and I were taken aback with the change of attitude she was displaying. I asked Robert what was that about but he only shrugged, not knowing the reason too. I thought things would go back to normal, but she has been consistent in calling him by his first name, so I asked her if we could talk. Robert asked if he could join which Sarah agreed.

To make it short, my daughter overheard my husband talking about a father's day trip to his friend who owns an hostel. His friend asked him if he forgot to include Sarah since my husband only asked him to prepare three bedrooms. My husband replied that he planned this trip for his real children only. It wouldn't make sense if Sarah was in the trip since he wasn't her real father. This made Sarah feel betrayed and hurt because she saw him as him as her real dad even if she knew he was her step dad.

My husband tried to explain to her that though he loves her as a father, his love for the twins were different since they were his real children. I wanted to just shut him up because he was overusing the word "real". But Sarah told us to leave her room. What made that day even more depressing was that this day was her last week with us before she leaves the country for college. Since then, every time she comes home, Sarah acts like nothing happened but continues to call Robert by his first name. Robert didn't want to add fuel to the fire and just tolerated it.

And now, few years since then, my daughter announced her engagement to her long time boyfriend. We were very happy for her as they have been dating since they were still college freshmen. Two weeks before their wedding, we were wondering who would be walking Sarah down the aisle. I assumed it would be Robert since I thought we have moved passed that incident, but no. My daughter scoffed at me when I told her about Robert walking her down the aisle.

She said "I thought it was obvious that Uncle Greg (my late husband's brother) would be the one to do that? Besides, I'm not his real daughter. It wouldn't make sense if he walked me down the aisle." I did not talk back, instead apologized for my ignorance and told her that I'll speak with Robert about it, since he also assumed he'd be the one to walk her down the aisle. When I told him what Sarah said, he was pissed. But I politely reminded him of the incident years ago which made him even more upset. He said that it was long time ago and that Sarah should move on.

I, who was offended for my daughter, told him that he shouldn't be upset since he doesn't see her as his real child anyway. He then got teary-eyed and told me to not speak to him. He still attended Sarah's wedding but looked visibly down. We still aren't on good terms and have been pretending in front of relatives. My daughter does not know about this and I want to keep it that way. But nevertheless, it's been a week since my daughter's wedding and Robert is still upset. He only talks to me about the twins and household stuff but beyond that, he keeps everything to himself. I feel really bad and think he is acting this way because of me. So, without being said, AITA?

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Comments

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Dry_Sandwich_860

Robert brought this on himself. He acted as her father from the time she was two years old, so he is the only father she has ever been aware of. Yet he called her not his "real" child and was careless and cruel enough to do so where she overheard him. Of course the consequence of that mean attitude is that she doesn't consider him to be her dad. He created this situation.

Now he is continuing to be immature and cruel by punishing you for stating the reality of the situation.

I think you need to talk to him and because of his immature attitude, you should probably do it in the presence of a mediator (like a family therapist), if you can afford one.

If you can't afford one, I would show him this.

He will hurt his relationship with you if he doesn't man up and take responsibility. He could have been doing his best to repair the damage his cruel comment made, but didn't bother. So of course Sarah assumes nothing has changed. He is not the wronged person here. She is.

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AssistanceOk3669

Agreed. Beyond repairing the damage. He said she wasn't his real child. There is no repairing that. The only thing he should have been doing was accepting the consequences on his actions(words).

It's not even like Sarah iced him out. She just stopped herself from continuing to view him as a dad. Nothing about this post indicates she was disrespectful.

Good for OP for trying to hold him accountable because he seems to want to erase a monumental part of his past.

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Minimum-Arachnid-190

He LITERALLY ASKED for it.

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Still-Preference5464

NTA she saw him as her real father but he didn’t see her as his real daughter. He can’t pick and choose when she’s his daughter and when she isn’t.

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RedoftheEvilDead

He wants her to treat him as her real father while he doesn't have to treat her as his real daughter.

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Vegetable-Cod-2340

This… and the part where he said he thought she would have moved on…

The fact that he thinks he could just crush someone like that and think she could just move on after learning her ‘papa’ doesn't love her like he loves his ‘real’ kids.

Honestly, I think Robert just like to looks like he's this great guy that raised the poor girl without a dad.

He doesn't get what he did and is playing victim like he was wronged, meanwhile he the one that caused this by being fake.

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beautybiblebabybully

She DID move on...away from her fake father. He's darn lucky he was invited to the wedding.

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**Judgement - NTA*\*

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Update - 6 hours later

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Hi guys! I'm Sarah... This is not my Reddit account. It's my cousin's (bio father's side). I apologize for any grammar mistakes and spelling errors.

My cousin sent me this post, while my husband and I were packing some stuff for our honeymoon earlier, and she thought it was my mom. My cousin is one of my go-to people, so she knows every single drama in my life. We are really tight.

I was skeptical at first since I would never have thought of my mother using Reddit. It's just too random. Until I read the "overheard" part of the post, it just brought back very "good" memories hehehe. On top of that, I noticed that the fake names used are based on the first letter of our real names. It gave me the confirmation that this is my mom.

I just wanna say that I don't appreciate that some of you are calling my mom an a-hole. But I also don't think it's your fault since mom left a lot of details.

After I left for college in the States, a lot of things happened. My cousin (the owner of this account) was the one filling me up with updates. So, Mom and Robert had a huge fight regarding me. Plus, Robert always came home late and drunk from the co*ckpit. The twins, well, they were shielded from the drama because they were children. They kind of separated for like a year. My mom went to live with her parents.

I was always in contact with mom, and she always asked for my whereabouts. You know normal mom stuff. She also kind of filled me in about her separation from Robert. I actually felt guilty because I knew it was because of me. Their biggest fight was when Uncle Greg (I will be using the fake names mom used to not add confusion) confronted Robert about the incident because when I arrived at my university dorm, I called to him sobbing and told about everything. Uncle Greg is the typical "cool single uncle" and has always been protective of us cousins, so when he learned about it, he went on full papa bear mode for me. Robert was kind of mad that he was "getting into our business." Mom told Robert that Uncle Greg (actually my cousins and I calls him "dada" because he's really like our second parent) also has a say in this since he's family, but Robert wasn't happy about it. So yeah, that insinuated a big argument that almost led to Robert and Uncle Greg having a fist fight. They were already throwing unkind words to each other, and everyone was just emotional.

When I learned about what happened, like I mentioned, I felt guilty and bad. So I sent Robert an email since he doesn't use Messenger. In the email, I told him that he should apologize to mom and make things right for the twins. I did not receive any response from him, but eventually, he and mom made up after a year. I was quite happy because I really didn't want to ruin my mom's marriage. I love my mom so much, and I'd do anything for her.

You might be wondering why my mom did not initiate divorce. Well, first of all, divorce is still illegal in my country. Second, annulment is extremely expensive and even if we were kind of well-off (my mom's a physical therapist and a teacher at a university, while Robert used to be a public accountant up until I was sixteen and owns a commercial space), their pockets would have hurt and annulment takes a lot of time to process.

Today, I reached out to them, and I told them that I wanted a proper conversation because this has been long overdue. I think we all need some closure.

I do want to note that I have moved on, but forgive? I don't think so. It pisses me off that Robert thinks I can just move on, forgive, and forget. It's hard to think that this was the man I used to call "papa." What's even more sad is that I still see him as my "papa." The pain I felt that day and when I started calling him by his first name. I even wanted to major in accountancy because of him. He was my role model. There were a lot of moments where I just wanted to go back to that day and pretend I did not hear anything and let it slide, then maybe I'd still call him "papa." But I would be an idiot for thinking that because no matter what, the damage has already been done.

So yeah, I am contemplating if I would update you guys on our talk tomorrow. I have texted my mom not to look over the comments here because some of you are just brutal. Sorry, I just don't want my mom to feel bad.

P.S. I want to add that both my mom and Robert paid for my college tuition. I did not get any loans or anything. Student loans are uncommon in our country. Parents are always the ones paying. I'm actually grateful that Robert helped pay, but that still doesn't remove the pain. My husband has been really patient and supportive. Little trivia: We were classmates in high school (I was the talkative girl in class, you know social butterfly, and he was one of those goofballs, and we actually fought a lot back then) and we eventually developed feelings for each other throughout freshman year. We were surprised that we went to the university. We were both catching up on each other's lives, and yeah, the rest was history.

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Comments

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Brain124

I want to say that you've handled everything insanely well. Your stepfather is a really crappy dude and I'm so glad that he was ONLY a guest at your wedding, because that's the only thing he is -- a GUEST in your life. He isn't family and he's a pretty crappy person for what he said about you.

I'm glad you have your mom and your uncle and your cousins in your life. Your mom can do way better.

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According_Conflict34

I would have a conversation with them and set some boundaries, you will let Robert know you will not treat him or address him as a father and nor will your children. This was something he wanted and you are simply respecting his wish as you are not his “Real” daughter. You can still have a cordial relationship with him for the sake of your mom and siblings but he should know that things will never be the same. You can express how much his words hurt you at the time but you are strong 💪🏾 and will move past that. Don’t let him play victim because he didn’t walk you down the aisle because that was a decision he made that day when he said you weren’t his real daughter! He wants you to treat him like a father but doesn’t think of you as a daughter.

OOP(Mum): Hello, everyone!

I would like to thank everyone for your advice and comments. My daughter found and commented on my post, and we will be talking about this tomorrow. She had just messaged me earlier. I was feeling tired today and could not sleep, so I was able to write this. I also want to thank the people for calling me out. I know I'm not the best mother, but I try. But yes, I am an a-hole for tolerating him. I don't know what will happen in our talk tomorrow, but I do want everyone to have closure. I also want to add that my daughter and I do not have a strained relationship. She did not want me to walk down the aisle because then Robert would be pushing her to let him walk her too, since he thought we're a package.

I will try to update, but it would be difficult since I know it's going to be emotional.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.