illuminate my pores and you tear me apart - pennydaniels - 呪術廻戦 (2024)

Chapter Text

“Suguru.” Satoru’s face was dirty, smudged with blood and debris. He looked exhausted, “Hey, where are you going?”

“I’m going to my room.”

Satoru’s hand on her wrist clenched briefly, “Don’t go so quickly.” He says, “We just got back. A lot happened. You don’t have to leave yet.”

Leave where? They were in the corridor, she wasn’t going anywhere but her dorm room less than a hundred metres away. They had finally been set free after giving their full reports on the mess the Star Plasma Vessel mission had become so where did Satoru think she was going to go but to lie on her bed and stare at the ceiling?

“Satoru.” Suguru sighed and pressed a hand to her face, “I’m exhausted. And disgusting. I’m going to go get some sleep.”

“I’ll come with you.” Satoru came even closer and the grip on her wrist migrated up her arm.

“Satoru-”

“I’ll come with you.” Satoru repeated. He frowned, looking almost unhappy, “You had to fight Fushiguro too. Let me stay with you.”

Suguru swallowed thickly. “It’s okay Satoru.”

“I want to.”

His grip on her arm hasn’t relented a bit. Suguru was helpless, so she nodded.

“I want to shower.”

“I’ll come with.”

It was ridiculous. It was the most ridiculous thing but Suguru was feeling raw too and Satoru felt like the only person in the whole world at that moment who could understand her. Riko was dead and they had failed but Satoru was still alive and here with her.

He kept his hand on her as he followed her to her room to collect her shower caddy and towel. And then he followed her to the girl’s bathroom. It was ridiculous, but again, who could stop him? Suguru wouldn’t.

At least he turned away when she got undressed. When she peeked behind her she saw the back of his dirty uniform, hands in his pockets as he stared at the wall.

It was fine. It was fine up until the point where she started crying. She didn’t even know why, something in her chest had come loose and with it the tears poured out.

“Suguru.” Satoru stepped right under the spray to hold her. His hair flattened against his forehead and water dripped down his face like tears of his own. His uniform soaked slowly, becoming heavy and cumbersome.

Suguru’s naked skin rubbed uncomfortably against the rough fabric but she wrapped her arms around him anyway.

“Satoru.” Her voice broke.

He held her back, just as hard, fingers digging uncomfortably into her naked back. Maybe she would bruise. It wasn’t even an entirely uncomfortable image. She would rather Satoru bruise her than anyone else.

“It’s okay Suguru.” Satoru’s own voice was hoarse. “I’m sorry.”

“I shouldn’t have let him get to you.”

Suguru shakes her head, “It’s not your fault. You worked so hard Satoru and we… Riko told me she wanted to go home. Right before… she decided she wanted to go.”

Satoru’s arms around her tighten, “You did a really great job Suguru. I know you did your best.”

Suguru shakes her head but then Satoru’s hand comes up and holds her head in place, pressing it to his chest so she can’t disagree.

“Just listen to me, okay Suguru? You did good.”

“So did you.”

The water cascading over them is warm. It’s nice being held like this.

“Your uniform is getting wet.” Suguru finally says.

“Yeah. I guess it is.”

Suguru sighs as if greatly put upon and pulls away slightly so she can smile at Satoru. He smiles back.

“Take it off and just shower with me now instead of dripping through the corridors. You can share my towel.”

“Alright.”

Satoru strips quickly and efficiently. Suguru’s already seen most of him naked before, he’s not shy about changing when she’s in the room no matter how many times she protests or scolds him.

When he steps under the spray next to her their naked arms brush and she feels herself shiver. Her nipples pebble up at the stimulation.

“Here.” She squirts some shampoo into her hands and gestures for him to bend down slightly, “I’ll wash your hair. Might as well since you’re always asking me to.”

Satoru closes his eyes as he tilts his head towards her.

“Though I never appreciated the way you would ask.” Suguru switches her tone to imitate him, “C’mon Suguru, my maids always used to wash my hair, why won’t you? Don’t be so stuck up.” She clucks her tongue and guides Satoru’s head under the spray to rinse.

“You’re not my servant Suguru.” Satoru huffs a little laugh, “You wouldn't do what I wanted no matter how much money I threw at you.”

Suguru frowns, “I don’t-”

“I was being rude before, forgive me?”

Satoru has never apologised to her like that before and Suguru finds herself a little taken aback. “I forgive you.” It slips out without full thought but obviously it’s true. She was never really angry when he used to say it anyway.

“Here.” Satoru steps back so Suguru can have the spray. “I’m pretty much done. I’ll towel off first.” He leaves the shower. She can hear the wet slap of his feet as he walks away.

Suguru rinses the conditioner out of her hair and then basks under the hot spray before turning the water off.

“Here.” Satoru is still naked and when he hands her towel to her their fingers brush.

“You need to go put on some clothes.” Suguru towels off her body roughly so she can wrap herself up quickly. Her hair is dripping down her back.

“So do you.” Satoru’s hand takes her wrist once more now that her towel is tightly tucked around her, “Come on.”

Suguru allows herself to be towed, leaving her shower caddy behind. It’s not as though anyone’s going to steal it, no one else apart from Shoko uses this bathroom.

Satoru marches out fully naked into the hallway and leads Suguru to his room. It’s ridiculous, his dick is out and she’s only in a towel and they’re both still damp from the shower, but Suguru doesn’t try to protest.

No one else is here anyway. Campus is a ghost town in a school with only five pupils.

“Here.” Satoru pulls a t-shirt out of one of his drawers, “You can wear this.”

No underwear obviously. Suguru pulls on the shirt anyway and when Satoru drags her to his bed she lets herself be pulled under the duvet and into his arms.

Suguru had always thought her first time sharing a bed with a boy would be more special. She’d never been in Satoru’s bed before, they usually hung out in her room and while he had fallen asleep there once or twice it was always fully clothed on top of the duvet. Snoring away after some gaming marathon or movie spree with his mouth hanging obnoxiously open.

He always looked beautiful anyways.

She’s never been so naked in anyone’s bed before. Even on her own she preferred multiple layers since she got cold easily.

Satoru is so warm wrapped around her.

“You almost died.” Satoru suddenly says, voice low in her ear, “When you fought Fushiguro… he almost killed you. Why didn’t he?”

“I don’t know.” Suguru swallows, “He knocked me out. I don’t remember what happened.”

Satoru takes a deep shuddering breath, “He didn’t hurt you?”

“Not beyond beating me unconscious.” Suguru closes her eyes.

Under the duvet one of Satoru’s hands climbs under the t-shirt to rest on her stomach. It rucks the material up so Suguru’s is entirely naked from the waist down. Satoru hadn’t put on any clothes at all. She can feel the bare skin of his stomach against her behind.

She should say something.

She doesn’t.

“Suguru,” Satoru’s voice is hoarse and his hand sweeps back and forth over her lower belly. It’s a little like the way her mother rubbed her belly when she got her period for the first time. “I mastered Reverse Curse Technique.”

“I know.”

“I felt like a God.” Satoru’s other hand snakes under her neck and curls so she’s resting in the crook of his elbow. If he wanted to choke her to death he would only need to squeeze slightly.

“You’re certainly arrogant enough to be one.”

“I killed him.” The hand on her stomach stills, “I killed him Suguru.”

“I know.”

Satoru noses into the back of her head. She can feel his breath on her scalp through the damp sticky strands clinging to her neck and shoulders. She’s soaking his pillow.

“Suguru.” His hand ghosts up her stomach, her muscles twitch her his touch. “Do you want to know what I said to him?”

Suguru doesn’t. She doesn’t want to hear another word about that man. She wants Satoru to be quiet.

“No.” Her voice is whisper-soft, “I don’t.”

Satoru’s hand brushes the underside of her breast, “Are you sure?” It comes out husky, not at all in line with the question he’s actually asking. It sounds like a question of a different type entirely.

“I’m sure.”

His big palm cups her breast, lifting it in his hand and squeezing.

“Satoru, what are you doing?” Suguru doesn’t move. She closes her eyes.

“C’mon Suguru.” He just about slurs the words, speaking directly into her cheek. Breath sloppy and wet. “It’s okay.”

Suguru lies there and thinks about everything her mother had told her before she left for Jujutsu High. Don’t let those city boys seduce you. Be smart. If you want to play around then please look after yourself. Be careful Suguru.

Satoru isn’t really a city boy. He’s a God.

His palm squeezes her breast gently, he’s touching her very lightly. His other hand goes to her cheek to push her head, tilt her back so she has no choice but to open her eyes so their gazes can meet.

“Hey.” Satoru’s voice is soft, almost sweet. “Suguru, can I?”

His hand hasn’t left her breast this entire time.

She closes her eyes so she doesn’t have to look at him and nods, sealing her fate as surely as she had when she’d let Satoru drape an arm over her shoulders and whisper conspiratorially to her during the first year goodwill event. He’d been murmuring catty comments about the other students and important points of strategy but that hadn’t mattered, not when his lips brushed her ear.

Everyone who had seen hadn’t known about how he would ask her to do his laundry like she was his servant. Wash my hair Suguru. Cook me dinner. Get me a drink from the vending machine. Help me resew this button.

Saying no each time was both easier and harder than it should have been. She’s amazed he kept asking for so long, especially when she knew he had the ability to do things for himself.

Satoru’s lips are soft against hers and the kiss becomes forceful quickly. Their first kiss.

Suguru had always imagined her and Satoru’s first kiss to be… prettier. Outside on a date when she was wearing a cute outfit so he could cup her cheek under a cherry blossom tree and tell her he loved her.

Satoru bites her lip and moans into her mouth and squeezes her breast so hard it might leave bruises.

“Suguru.” He’s panting against her neck, leaving love bites as he goes, pushing up the shirt he leant her so he can suck on her breasts. “You’re so pretty.”

She doesn’t feel very pretty. Especially not when she doesn’t have to do much more than lie there. She had fantasised about Satoru before, only in small doses, and it always made her feel watery soft inside to imagine his smile and gorgeous face and strong hands.

She can’t see his expression in their current positions and when he begins to rut between her legs she decides to turn her face away while he pants into her neck.

He doesn’t ask for permission anymore so when his co*ck catches at her entrance and he begins to push in she’s shocked more than anything else. She’s never put anything in there before, nothing more than a single lone exploratory finger. She keeps expecting her body to stutter and reject the intrusion but somehow Satoru manages to push all the way inside.

It burns horribly. Her lower back hurts. Her entire body aches.

The tears squeeze their way out of her closed eyes, unbidden and not due to the physical pain. It’s the pain of loss, not necessarily of losing her virginity though that’s part of it. In large part it’s the pain of losing Satoru because he’s never felt further away than now when he’s inside of her.

“Does it hurt?” Satoru is being compassionate, attempting to. Attempting empathy, to understand her pain and mitigate it. “I’m sorry Suguru, I won’t move too fast okay? I’ll be gentle.”

She nods, eyes still closed, and turns her face more firmly into the damp pillow.

Satoru kisses her cheek and with that last gesture begins to thrust between her spread legs. His hands have found her breasts once more and he’s squeezing rhythmically in time with his thrusts, like her body in one big stress ball.

Suguru sobs and bites her lip against it.

“Here.” Satoru leans down and kisses downturned mouth, “Bite me, don’t bite yourself if it hurts.”

She opens her eyes and finds that he’s offered his own shoulder.

She bites down.

Satoru doesn’t even flinch, his thrusts are deep and smooth, dragging slightly when he moves back. It’s so odd to think that he’s inside her body right now. She stares up at him and finds that he’s already looking down at her. His eyes glow.

“Satoru.” She’s not saying his name for any particular reason. Her mouth wobbles with those sobs she keeps repressing.

“Suguru.” He occupies her with more kisses, and one of his arms squirms under her torso so he call pull her up, back bowing off the bed, as he continues to f*ck her. “Suguru, you feel so good.”

Suguru leans harder into the kisses. She feels almost numb beyond her waist but the pain has faded at least. Sex can feel good for women but it doesn’t feel all that great right now. He’s not at the right angle to catch her cl*t so all she feels is full. It’s not a good full. Not the kind of full like after a large meal when you feel satisfied. It’s the full of swallowing curses and feeling them squirm inside of you.

Satoru smells so familiar, in his bed it’s almost choking her, the natural scent of his skin and washing detergent. He smells like her own shampoo she had used to wash his hair earlier.

She should have known what she was doing after she agreed to shower with him, after she let him take her back to his room. This was an inevitable conclusion of crawling naked into his bed. He may be a God but he’s also man, the shape of one at least.

His hips stutter and then with a groan he’s finished. She can feel it inside of her in spurts. It’s so surreal.

He kisses her again, long and languid, holding her body close.

“Thank you.”

She wants to laugh. What is he thanking her for? For letting him use her body? For sex? Do people really say thank you after sex?

Suguru went through a phase when she turned fourteen when she would look at p*rn almost every day. One of her friend’s older siblings used to pass around their old magazines and a few worn DVDs and Suguru had become somewhat addicted to the dazzling array of bodies that could be viewed. It seemed so antithetical to everything she had been told, explicitly and implicitly, that all these things that were so private and sacred could be viewed so publicly.

If she wanted to see a woman being f*cked anally she could. Being slapped. Taking a co*ck in her mouth and protesting anyway, hitting the man’s hairy thighs and sobbing. Or if she wanted to see a woman on her back spreading her puss* between her fingers and closing her eyes, head tipped back in pleasure, she could too.

A whole array of messy human experiences were available on a drop down menu. She just needed to go looking for them, and in most cases not even. They would find her.

She was on a sleepover at a friend's house the first time and they had flicked through a magazine together, giggling and exclaiming and judging the images before them like they were reading JJ Bis.

Suguru had laughed along but inside her stomach was squirming and even after she went home she couldn't forget the unnatural way the woman’s body had seemed stretched open. It seemed impossible for there to be that much space inside oneself for foreign objects. Suguru could only imagine splitting open with that kind of stretch and she had felt sick and wrong for weeks afterwards.

But she’s done it now. She’s lost her virginity. She’s had that foreign object inside of her and been stretched open.

Satoru has fallen asleep wrapped around her, face tucked into her neck and hand still on her breast.

She should feel older and she does, but she’s not sure if that’s the sex or Riko’s death. Oh. Riko.

Suguru begins to cry once more, but silently this time. It drips down her face to soak into the pillow. The damp patches will never dry at this rate.

Satoru sleeps through it all, snuffling into her neck and palm burning hot on her chest.

*

The next morning Satoru gets an endless stream of phone calls from his clan. At least Suguru thinks they’re clan members, all the numbers are unlisted.

Suguru sits up in his bed, naked and sore and deeply deeply sad and watches him grumble and groan and decline the calls one after another until she can’t stand it anymore.

“You should talk to them.” She tells him.

“I don’t want to.” He sounds so childish. Is this the same person who was inside her last night, panting into neck like a real man while he f*cked her deep enough that she’s aching this morning? How can Satoru have done that last night? How can she have let him when it means so little?

“Satoru, go talk to them. I’m going to go take a shower.” She pulls his t-shirt down firmly under the duvet so when she stands he won’t see everything. He’d already seen it all last night of course but it's bright outside and she can’t… she can’t understand why she let him do that.

Moving carefully Suguru drops one leg out of the duvet onto the wooden floor and then a second. She stands gingerly. It hurts.

“Hey, Suguru.”

“What- Satoru!”

He emerges from the bed, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her back. The flimsy top rucks up in the process.

“Don’t go.” He rests his head on her shoulder, “Stay here.”

“I can’t.” She swallows, “I need to use the bathroom and shower and… we have things to do Satoru.”

“Like what? You heard Yaga, he’s given us the next few days off. What do you have to do Suguru?”

He presses his lips to her neck, a hint of teeth catching on her likely already bruised skin.

“I have to-”

“Stay here.” His grip becomes almost uncomfortably tight, squeezing the air out of her.

“Stop it.” Her voice comes out very quiet. “Satoru stop.”

He lets go of her only to grab her shoulder and tug her back around to face him, “What’s wrong Suguru?” He’s frowning at her, eyes careful and far too searching when they sweep over her face. Whatever he sees makes the corners of his mouth turn down.

His hand comes up and cups her face, thumb sweeping back and forth under her eye, “You didn’t sleep well, did you?” His voice is soft.

Suguru shakes her head. Not in response to his question, just generally, “I want to go Satoru. Just let me go.”

“To shower right? I’ll see you after?”

She nods, “Where else would I go?”

Satoru tilts his head and frowns, “If I was too rough last night Suguru then I’m sorry.” He’s being earnest. Suguru doesn’t think anyone has ever had Gojo Satoru apologise to them as many times as she has in the past twelve hours. “Did you bleed? Here, let me see.” His hand creeps towards her thigh and Suguru can’t think of anything worse than what he’s trying to do.

“It’s fine.” Her voice comes out short and she stands before he can reel her back in, “I’m going to go.”

“Wait Suguru.” His voice has ticked up, in both pitch and pace. “Don’t go so quickly.” He stands, not even grabbing the sheet to cover himself. She studiously keeps her gaze fixed on the wall.

“What do you want Satoru?” She’s exhausted. She wants to wash a whole life’s worth of filth off herself and then find a small dark crevice to crawl into.

But she also doesn’t want Satoru to be unhappy. It’s an awful preoccupation of hers. Why does she need to care about this boy so much? He’s strong enough that he doesn’t need it.

“Suguru,” Satoru reaches out and his hand wavers as if uncertain before he, as always, chooses the path of maximum conflict, “Come here. Just let me hold you for a second, okay?”

Without waiting for a response he pulls her into a hug. She can feel his flaccid dick against her hip through the worn cotton t-shirt. It feels huge. She can’t believe that was inside of her.

After a moment it’s as though her body reacts instinctively and she sighs, relaxing in his arms and pressing her forehead against his shoulder.

“I didn’t hurt you too bad did I?” He asks, voice hushed, “I know it hurts for girls the first time but it wasn’t too bad right?”

“How do you know it was my first time?”

It feels wrong to argue but there’s a part of her, small and insistent, that wants to ensure Satoru doesn’t get everything of hers. It feels like too much to give all to one person who already has everything.

He stiffens for a second before relaxing, “It was, wasn’t it? Maybe you’ve done other stuff but I don’t think so, you’re not that type Suguru. You’re a nice girl.”

Suguru thinks she may start crying all over again and she’ll be f*cking damned if she does it in front of this boy. She doesn’t think she’s ever been so disappointed in herself.

“I’m leaving.” She forcibly steps back and turns quickly for the door. She won’t let him pull her back in another time.

“Wait, wait Suguru I’m sorry. I don’t know what I said but I’m sorry okay, don’t be mad.”

“I just want to take a shower.” She says very evenly as she opens the door, “I’m not mad.”

It’s not a lie. As she walks back to the bathroom, stopping off at her room for a fresh towel, she feels too empty to be mad. It’s like when f*cking, Satoru absorbed everything inside of her through osmosis alone. He got everything good and now she’s just a… shell.

They’re not even dating let alone married. She always told herself she’d wait for someone special, it had been something she’d liked about herself. How she was careful and controlled around boys, polite and distant enough to never invite any disrespect. She managed to befriend Satoru after all.

And now it’s ruined. Their friendship is ruined and it’s all her fault.

*

After her shower she quickly gets changed and packs herself a small overnight bag before going to find Yaga-sensei.

“I would feel better if I was doing something useful right now.” She makes her case, “I don’t feel right sitting here and doing nothing after… what happened. And Shoko healed me perfectly, physically I feel fine.”

Yaga looks very sceptical.

Suguru pushes a little more, padding her claims with some vulnerability so they appear more honest, “I don’t feel completely comfortable on campus.” She says, “The fact that Fushiguro came here and… I think it would be better if I could have some time away.”

“You could always take some holiday.” Yaga suggests, “It’s been a while since you went back home to see your parents.”

Suguru just shakes her head, “I would feel better if I was helping people.”

“Well, alright then.” Yaga sighs, “What does Gojo think?”

Suguru stiffens involuntarily, “What do you mean Sensei?”

“I mean, is he going with you?”

“Why would he be?”

“I just thought-” Yaga shakes his head, “It’s fine, that was just my assumption. He’ll likely be called back to the Gojo compound to speak to his clan anyway.”

“Mm.”

“Alright Geto.” Yaga hesitates and then puts a hand on her shoulder, “I understand that this has been… very hard. Please look after yourself.”

“I will Sensei, I promise.” Suguru just needs some time away. She’ll feel better then.

She’ll surely feel better then.

*

Satoru tries to call her when she’s on the train. She lets it ring out. He then texts her. She can’t bear to read them. But she also can’t stand seeing his name pop up again and again and again.

So she blocks his number and doesn’t even feel that guilty about it.

*

Shoko calls once she’s checked into her hotel room and is sitting on the bed. The curse had been an easy one. Unlike what she told Yaga, she doesn’t feel very useful at all.

She considers her ringing phone for a long time before she finally picks it up.

“Are you and Gojo fighting?”

“No. What do you mean?”

“I mean he came up to me a few hours ago asking if I’d seen you, looking like a bit of a mess if I’m being honest. I told him I hadn’t and then he dragged me to go with him to interrogate Yaga-sensei. Apparently you’re off doing some Eat Pray Love mission to get your mind off everything?”

“That sounds about right.” Suguru bites her lip, “He was calling and texting me too much so I blocked him.”

“Ha! Serves him right for once, good for you Suguru. You shouldn’t let him get his way all the time.”

Suguru remembers his hands on her last night and puts her face in her hands, “Is he mad?” Her voice comes out a little muffled.

“Hmm… not sure. He seemed more messed up than mad but he’s been called back to the Gojo compound so he’s gone for now anyway.” Shoko hummed, “He asked me to tell him if we spoke and what you said about him.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. I think he’s worried that you’re mad.”

“I’m not mad at him.”

“You never are.” Shoko yawned, “That’s what I told him. I told Gojo that to be honest it made sense for you not to want to be on campus after what happened and that he should give you some space for once.”

“What did he say?”

“Not much. He went very quiet in that pretty scary way he does some time. But I don’t think he’s going to suddenly turn up at your hotel room if you’re wondering.”

“Thanks Shoko.”

“No need to thank me.” There’s a pause, “You really okay? I went to your room but you weren’t there last night.”

Suguru swallows thickly, “I stayed in Satoru’s. Both of us were… freaked out.”

“Mm. Probably him more so than you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he probably didn’t even know what happened to you until you guys got back to campus and debriefed with Yaga. He obviously went to go find Fushiguro and get Riko so he knew she was dead but he didn’t know what happened to you at first.”

“Nothing really happened to me.”

“That guy beat you to a pulp Suguru. And he could’ve done all kinds of creepy f*cked up stuff to you when you were passed out.”

“Please don’t say that Shoko.”

“Okay okay I’m sorry. That was too far.” There was a pause, “I’m just saying though.”

“I don’t think Satoru’s mind went in that direction.”

“Yeah, maybe not. But you know he actually thinks more than he lets on.”

Suguru sighs, “He just… he was being pushy about us not being apart. He kept telling me no to go.”

“Yeah.” Shoko makes a strange sound, “Suguru… you know he likes you right?”

“We’re best friends.”

“You don’t need to play dumb with me. You know what I mean, I’m not gonna think any which way about it.”

“Oh?”

“I’m Team Suguru all the way.”

Suguru can’t help but snort a fond laugh, “Thanks Shoko.”

“I’m just saying… you know right?”

“I don’t think Satoru really thinks that way. He’s not asking me to be his girlfriend or anything like that.”

“He probably doesn’t think he needs to.”

Suguru huffs, “What does that even mean? How does he… he doesn’t like me Shoko. Not like that.”

“Sure.” Shoko sighed, “It’s so f*cked up isn’t it.”

Suguru doesn’t know what she means in particular but agrees. “Yeah.”

“Call me okay? And keep Gojo blocked. At least make him sweat a little.”

Suguru can’t help but giggle, “Sure. Thanks Shoko.”

Shoko yawns, “I’m so tired, I’m gonna go take a nap.”

“Speak later.”

“Later.”

Once she’s hung up the room seems to shrink in size and the silence becomes overwhelming. Suguru doesn’t want to be alone. This was a mistake.

Her phone sits in her hand and her thumb hovers over Satoru’s number.

She doesn’t call.

*

She gets ready carefully for the pharmacy to ensure that she looks older. She wears her longest skirt and a cardigan over the top.

Then she takes a deep full breath and pushes into the air-conditioned interior.

She ends up choosing three different tests from three different brands and looks the cashier in the eye, smiling softly, when she puts them down at the checkout.

The cashier, a middle-aged man, smiles back. “Is this your first time?” He asks in a very kind, fatherly tone.

Suguru nods, “Yes, my husband and I are hoping we can be lucky.”

The man bags her up quickly and takes her money with both hands in the little plastic dish. When he gives her the bag it’s also with both hands. “Good luck,” He tells her cheerfully, “Though don’t be discouraged, these things can take time.”

Suguru smiles politely one last time and then walks to the nearest public library.

Once inside she descends to the basem*nt level which has a female bathroom tucked away into a dark corner. Suguru hurries inside and pulls out the tests, lining them up carefully on the sink.

She then sits on the closed toilet lid and closes her eyes, presses her fists to her face, and breathes in deeply.

Oh god. Oh god she prays, keeping her eyes closed so tightly white blooms behind her lids. Please. Please please please.

She pulls down her underwear, opens the first box, and slides out the plastic apparatus. She takes a deep breath and squats down, holding the stick steady and tries to summon some urine which seems to be harder than she would have expected.

After a while a trickle starts and she eagerly catches it, soaking the stick.

Okay. Okay. Okay okay okay. Please please please god. Please.

She puts the stick on the sink and pulls her panties back up. Then she paces the room, unable to think or look.

Finally she picks the stick up and checks it.

Positive.

Suguru thinks she might have known. The test only confirms what she already knew. She already… she already…. Oh god.

She pees on the other two just to be safe, spending in total an hour in the cramped bathroom.

All three are positive.

Geto Suguru, sixteen years old and a year away from graduation, is pregnant.

OH GOD.

She stuffs all three tests into her bag to throw away somewhere later, anywhere, and leaves the library.

The day outside is too bright and she can’t handle the glare. She walks quickly though with no particular destination, spinning in circles while her mind turns and turns and turns endlessly. What will she do? What can she do?

She had sex with Satoru a little over a month ago and due to a mixture of ever-lengthening away missions and his own schedule has managed to avoid bumping into him since. She’s only been back to the college twice anyway and hasn’t yet unblocked his number.

Inside of her, his baby is growing. Satoru’s baby. Satoru and her baby. Suguru doesn’t understand how this could have happened, her body is likely an inhospitable environment. She swallows curses for f*cks sake and oh god a week ago she had smoke a pack of cigarettes in a fit of ennui. Oh god. Her baby.

She can’t have a baby. She’s sixteen! She doesn’t have any money or stability and what would her parents say? What would Satoru say?

She stops to sit on a public bench, looking up at the bright blue sky and wondering.

Satoru I’m pregnant.

Huh? How?

When we had sex. I got pregnant because of it.

Oh. What do you want to do?

I don’t know. What do you want to do?

I guess we could have it. My clan could look after it since it’s the six eyes kid. Or you could abort it, that’s fine too. We’re kind of busy to be having kid. We’re the strongest after all, what would happen if we were out of commission with a newborn?

Suguru ducks her face and stares at her shoes. They’re dusty.

Satoru would be right. She can’t have a baby now. Not only because of money and time and Jujustu. Suguru doesn’t even care about those things, terrible as it sounds. What gives her pause is that she doesn’t know if she would be able to handle being patient and kind right now and she wants so badly to be those things for her children.

She loves children and has always loved the idea of having her own. She wants to have a baby to nurture and protect and she wants to imagine that they would be happy and proud to have her as a mother. She doesn’t want to be just any mother, she wants to be a good one. Someone… better and impressive. She can’t be a mother now, pregnant by a boy who she can't even speak to, feeling like she’s falling apart at the seams most days.

What will she do on those days when she finds it so hard to get it out of bed? She imagines her baby’s little crying face and waving fists and the absolute terror of finding them annoying. Oh god. Oh god she can’t be a good mother. She won’t be a good mother.

She tucks her legs up onto the bench and puts her face into her knees.

She can’t have this baby. It’s not possible. She won’t be able to take care of it the ways she wants to and she wants so badly to take care of it.

Suguru sniffs, wiping her nose off on the back of her sleeve inelegantly, and takes a deep heaving breath.

It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

She’s not the first woman to ever live for all that it may feel like that. She’s not the first person to face this for all that it may seem this way. It’ll all be okay.

It’ll all be okay.

*

The waiting room in the clinic is painted a light blue. It’s sunny too which makes the lilac linoleum chairs gleam.

“Geto Suguru.”

Suguru stands up, “Yes.”

The nurse smiles at her, “Please come with me.”

“Ah yes, thank you.” Suguru swallows and follows her into a consultation room.

“This is just the pre-appointment consultation so we can discuss what needs to be done in preparation.” The nurse tells her. She’s young and clean looking. Suguru is sure she’s met a thousand girls like her.

“Mm, I understand. I looked up some information and saw that there were some documents I needed to bring?”

“Ah yes, we can discuss that. First of all Geto-san,” The nurse smiles a little awkwardly, “I have seen on your ID that you are sixteen?”

“Yes.”

“Since you are a minor we prefer to have parental permission for the procedure.”

“Oh.” Suguru, stupidly, hadn’t even registered that. She hasn’t seen her parents in months, she’d forgotten that since she was under twenty she was legally a minor. “I see.”

“In some cases we are still able to do the procedure.” The nurse does say, “But of course there could be legal concerns from parents who are… unhappy. It could lead to awkwardness.”

“I see.” Suguru’s mind works, “Would it… if I had the permission of another adult or family member, would that be alright?”

“Yes, that would be fine.” The nurse smiles, “We would simply need them to sign some paperwork, only for procedural reasons.”

“Okay that’s fine then.” Suguru swallows, “Is there anything else?”

“Ah yes, yes the cost of the procedure. I can see on the paperwork you think you are five weeks along?”

“Yes.” Suguru doesn’t want to over explain but she finds it pours out anyway, “It was only one time so I’m… sure.”

“Of course I see, I see.” The nurse makes a note, “The cost of the procedure is worked out due to the length of your pregnancy, since you are very early along it would be in the region of 100,00 yen, is that alright?”

“That’s fine.” Suguru has savings.

“Now finally, and this is for procedural reasons, termination of a pregnancy can only occur in certain cases, could I ask…”

“Financial hardship.” Suguru says quickly, “I’m sixteen years old and have not yet left school, having a child would lead to hardship.”

“Mm, of course of course. I understand.” The nurse makes a note, “And Geto-san, one last thing… the father, we would need their consent for the procedure.”

Suguru shakes her head, “It’s not possible.”

“Mm, I understand. Is the father not contactable or perhaps deceased? Do you not know who he is?”

“He’s my classmate.” Suguru shouldn’t have said that. What is she doing? “But we’re not together. I… can’t tell him.”

“Mm, I understand. Unfortunately Geto-san, we do need permission… I shouldn’t say this but in many cases women in similar situations sometimes use the signatures of friends in place? Or if it was… not consensual then you won’t be obligated.”

“He didn’t force me.” Suguru shakes her head, “I just… I can’t tell him.”

This is a mistake. She can’t do this.

Suguru stands, “I’m very sorry, I think I’m going to have to go.”

The nurse regards her carefully and then nods, “I understand Geto-san, please do not hesitate to make another appointment if you feel able to.”

“Mm.” Suguru barely manages to leave before she throws up in a public restroom a few minutes away.

She can’t do this. She can’t do this. She can’t.

She wipes off her mouth and once on the street buys some cold mugicha from a vending machine so she can rinse away the taste of vomit.

That was stupid. They were only asking a procedural question, she had read up on everything before going anyway. It was stupid to get so worked up.

She hasn’t spoken to Satoru since that morning.

Her phone buzzes at that moment. Shoko.

Shoko: looked through brain scans today. after staring at them for long enough it’s like staring at a rorschach test

Suguru hits call.

Shoko picks up on the first ring, “Yo, what are you doing?”

“I’m pregnant.”

There’s a long pause.

“Is it Gojo’s?”

Suguru doesn’t know what to say so she just launches into it, “I went to a clinic just now, I’m going to get an abortion, but they have so many requirements and I’m still a minor and it’s so complicated.”

“How far along are you?”

“Five weeks I think.”

“Mm, you know they have a pill from overseas that can induce an abortion without surgery?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s not legal here. But if you’re under ten weeks the pill should be fine to use at home. Safer even if I’m there.”

“Shoko…”

“I can get the pill, find someone to buy it off. Good doctors’ training huh? Where are you right now?”

“Near Chiba.”

“Where will you be in a week?”

“Mission further South. Not far from f*ckuoka.”

“Alright. I’ll meet you there.”

“Shoko.” Suguru has been feeling so awful and alone and horrible and it had been so easy for Shoko to help her and she feels… so relieved. “Thank you.”

Shoko just sighs, “Jeez, now I’ve got to find a drug dealer or something.”

Suguru burbles a laugh.

“It’s fine, maybe I can order it on the college budget. All drugs have multiple uses after all, this one could be interesting for something else.”

“Thank you.”

“Sit tight. See you soonish.”

“Mm.”

Suguru barely makes it back to her hotel room before she begins crying in relief.

*

“What does it feel like?” Suguru asks, sitting crossed legged on the hotel bed as she stares at the aluminium wrapped package before her.

“Cramping.” Shoko said from where she was leaning by the window, smoking out of it, “Fatigue. Shouldn’t be too bad and if anything goes wrong I’m here, I’ll heal you right up.” She wriggled her fingers, “Just have to be sure I don’t heal the foetus too.”

Suguru shakes her head, “That’s awful. I… Shoko… I….” She can’t find words and so just picks up the bottle of water, pops out the first pill, and takes it.

“One down.” Shoko stubs out her cigarette and comes closer, “Second?”

“Right after?”

“Yeah.”

Suguru pops out the second pill and swallows it down.

“Now lie down.” Shoko advises, “And get ready for a horrible period.”

Suguru huffs not quite a laugh and does lie down, hands crossed over her stomach, and staring at the ceiling.

“You never answered me before.” Shoko sits down next to her and then scoots across the bed so she can lean against the headboard, “Is it Gojo’s?”

“Yeah.” Suguru says softly.

“He doesn’t know?”

“Is that wrong? That I didn’t tell him? I just couldn’t.”

Shoko tips her head back, “I don’t know. It’s your life.”

“I can’t be a good mother right now.” Suguru says, honestly, “I couldn’t even keep Riko safe. How could I keep a baby safe?”

“sh*t.” Shoko sighs, “It hasn’t even been two months since that… Suguru listen, you’re really f*cked up right now but it’ll get better.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“Is Satoru okay?”

“Honestly? He seems fine. Getting stronger every second, keeps asking about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, he keeps asking to borrow my phone to call you since you’ve still got him blocked. He’s getting kind of aggressive about it.”

“Oh.”

“How did it happen? You two hooking up? I’m not surprised but I also am kind of surprised.”

“It was the night I stayed over in his room. After.”

“Wait really? I thought… well I thought it was when you guys were in Okinawa.”

“Seriously?”

“More romantic, a beachy atmosphere and all that.”

Suguru can’t even picture Okinawa so clearly anymore, it’s too tangled up in a thousand other pricklier memories.

Shoko blows out a breath through her teeth, “That night… you were both seriously f*cked up Suguru. You can’t tell me otherwise.”

“Mm.” Suguru sighs, “I just… can’t see him right now.”

“He wasn’t pushy in a bad way was he? He can be aggressive sometimes, he wasn’t like that was he?”

Suguru’s response is automatic, “No. Of course not.”

“Okay. Sorry I asked.”

“It’s fine.” Suguru sighs and turns over onto her side, “I feel bad about ignoring him, it’s… really horrible of me.”

“Then why are you doing it?”

Suguru curls up, “When I think about being around him I feel a little sick. I don’t want to remember that night but when I think about him it’s all I can think about. I’m sure it’ll fade with time but… it’s like when you suddenly remember something embarrassing you did when you were younger and you quickly change the song you were listening to to draw a line under that memory and think of something else. I don’t want to be like that around him.”

“sh*t.” Shoko’s curse is emphatic, “That’s really sh*t Suguru.”

“Yeah.”

“I guess time heals everything, doesn’t it? That’s what people say.” Shoko slides down the bed until she’s lying next to Suguru on her back. “Let’s listen to some music or something, we don’t need to talk about this sh*t anymore.”

“Okay.”

They listen to Anzen Chitai’s greatest hits off the hotel radio for the rest of the evening.

*

Suguru unblocks Satoru a week later and bites her lip as she types out a simple and lacklustre message.

Suguru: I’m sorry, I just needed some time to myself.

The response comes quickly.

Satoru: Are you okay?

He calls before she can respond.

“Suguru? Hey.”

His voice is… it sounds the same. He sounds the same. Suguru doesn’t know what she had been so scared of.

“Satoru.” She takes a deep breath, “Long time no see.”

“Or speak.” There’s a pause, “Suguru… are you coming back to campus soon?”

“Maybe in a week depending on scheduling. I’ve had a lot of back to back missions recently and it’s quicker for me not to go back in between.”

“They’ve been running you ragged.” Satoru doesn’t sound pleased, “You need a break Suguru.”

“I’ll be okay, besides it’s not like you’ve been given any breaks either.”

“I’m fine. Hey,” His voice picks up speed, “What if I came and visited you where you are? Where are you right now?”

Suguru pinches her inner arm, twisting the flesh between her fingers, “I don’t think that’s a good idea Satoru, I don’t want to be distracted on missions.”

“Heh, so you admit I’m distracting? And it’s fine, we’re the strongest. You can be as distracted as you like.”

“We’d be able to get more done separately.” Suguru says next, “There’s no point in pairing us up.”

There’s a heavy pause.

“Do you hate me Suguru?”

“What?” She forces herself to laugh, “Why would you ask that? Of course I don’t.”

“I’m sorry. Even if you don’t hate me I just want to say it. You’re important to me Suguru, I wasn’t just playing around with you that night.”

Suguru can’t help the way her voice becomes harsh, “Don’t talk about it Satoru.”

The silence stews awkward and clumpy.

“So when can I see you?”

“Soon.” Suguru says, “But we both have our missions so just… soon. When we can.”

Satoru huffs, obviously unhappy, but she’s not going to give in. She can’t.

“Fine fine. But… you’re not gonna block me again are you?”

“No I- I’m sorry I did that. Just don't call me at inconvenient times.”

“How will I know what times are inconvenient unless I call and you don’t pick up?”

Sigh, “Satoru…”

“Fine fine. I’ll be good. I miss you Suguru.”

Her heart does a stuttering motion in her chest. “I miss you too.” It’s automatic.

“So I’ll see you soon?” Satoru finally sounds settled down, it makes her realise how tense he had been under his cheer when the call started.

“Mm see you soon.”

“See you.” He repeats.

Suguru hangs up the phone stares into nothing until the wallpaper bleeds into one large smudge.

*

She goes out that night because she didn’t want the last man she had ever talked to to be Gojo Satoru. Because it would be. If they both had their way it would be. But is what they want what they need?

It’s stupid because ultimately everything is and Suguru has done so many things she doesn’t want to think about in the past few months. The box in her mind that she carefully compartmentalises away is overflowing. She thinks she might be going crazy.

So she picks a random bar and goes out.

It’s getting colder outside and there’s a bite to the wind so she wears a thick coat. She only unzips it when she gets to the bar, not even taking it off, and gets a beer. She sits at a table in the corner and wonders how long she’s going to have to wait before someone comes to talk to her.

Thankfully it doesn’t take long.

He’s older but she’s given a fake age so he thinks they’re born in the same year.

“Oh my gosh our birthdays are only a month apart, what a coincidence!” Suguru clapped her hands as if truly charmed.

“Ah haha yeah. Hey listen, I came with some friends but we’re having such a good conversation I’m just going to go over quickly and let them know I won’t be leaving with them.”

Suguru keeps her smile very sugary, “Sure.”

“Okay great.”

When he comes back he’s brought her another drink. A highball though she doesn’t know what exactly is in it. It tastes good though so she sips quickly.

Kaito is twenty four. He’s an office worker and had been out for drinks with colleagues when he spotted her alone and came over to say hi. He had gone to University in the prefecture and used to swim for his college. He’s clean and smiley and cheerful.

He thinks Suguru’s name is Suki and that she’s still a student because she took a year before university to travel. She’s studying education so she can become a teacher because she loves children so much. She just broke up with her long time boyfriend and that’s why she was drinking alone.

“He’s always very busy.” She tells Kaito, “But it wasn’t his fault, he just works very hard. I was waiting until marriage but we were both having a hard time so we decided to… indulge. I fell pregnant and it really wasn’t the right time so I ended the pregnancy. We broke up because of all this.”

“That’s awful.” Kaito is very sympathetic, “I’m very sorry Suki-chan, it sounds like it was very hard for you.”

“Mm.”

“Was it mostly because of the pregnancy termination? Does he not want children right now?”

“No, it was… I actually think it was because we slept together. It felt like it broke something between us, for me at least. I wasn’t able to behave normally around him anymore. Every time I thought of him I would feel sad and uncomfortable.”

Kaito nods, brows tilted in sympathy, “It can be hard for some women, huh? Sex is kind of dirty so it can really change things to do it with someone you’ve been with for a long time.”

“Mm, what do you think Kaito-kun? What would you be thinking if you just had sex with the girl you had been seeing for a long time?”

“Hmm.” Kaito considers it carefully, “It’s complicated actually. In a lot of ways you shouldn’t let something physical like that change your perspective of the person you care about, but on the other hand if you’ve been dating for a while and never been like that it can be very shocking to suddenly start seeing someone in a different light.”

“Have you ever had that before?”

“Hmm, not really. But I slept with all my girlfriends very quickly after we got together, it just felt natural that way.”

“Do you think it’s wrong to wait until marriage?”

“No of course not, it’s a good thing. But it means you have to adjust to quite a big thing after you’ve already married which can be hard.”

“Do men really respect women less once they’ve had sex with them?”

“Of course not!” Kaito says emphatically, “It never changed things for me with my girlfriends.”

“But you always started out dating them.” Suguru points out, “What about your female friends? What if you slept with one of them, how do you think that would feel?”

“Huh.” Kaito looks a little stumped. “That would be a little different. If we stayed friends it would change things. I don’t know how I would spend time with them normally if I had seen them like that.”

Suguru finishes off her drink, “Is that really what you think?”

“Yeah. Yeah I think so. But it’s not bad. You just wouldn’t be able to hide anymore.”

“Hide?”

“Hide your attraction. There’s always a little attraction between all people, it just depends on whether or not you have a mutual agreement to ignore it. Once you cross that line you can’t retreat back over it anymore.”

“Mm. I think you might be right.”

Buoyed by her approval Kaito doesn’t hesitate to continue, “Once you’ve exposed your attraction it's all out in the open and no one can play at ignorance anymore, you both know you want each other and then something has to happen one way or another. The relationship will never be equal again because people usually aren’t on the same page anymore.”

“A confrontation then?”

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“Hmm… Kaito-kun, have you ever slept with anyone because you just wanted to feel close to someone?”

Kaito laughs, “You’re a very forward woman Suki-chan, but I understand, you’re dealing with a lot right now.” He considers it, tapping his fingers against the perspiring glass of beer, “Maybe not exactly but that was part of it. In fact, a big part of sex for me is to feel close to another person.”

“Really?”

“Really. You feel so connected to another person, like you’re on the same team. It’s even better when you care about them because you know they’re caring for you in the way they touch you.”

“You’re very perceptive Kaito-kun.”

He just grins and raises his glass at her.

After another drink he suggests getting a hotel room and she agrees.

“Because of the termination I can’t do anything like that.” She makes it clear before he pays. It’s not strictly true but she wants to draw a boundary.

“That’s fine. We can just hold each other and chat.”

Is this what people do? Suguru wonders as she and Kaito kick off their shoes and then curl up on the gaudy love hotel bed together. Cuddle and chat? Maybe Kaito is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

“Was it hard?” He asks, talking quietly, “The abortion that is. One of my ex-girlfriends… she got pregnant when we were together and we decided to end it. I gave her the money and signed the consent form but she went with her sister so I wasn’t there. We broke up a little while later for other reasons, we never really talked about it so I wanted to ask. I know it’s different for all women.”

Suguru shakes her head. “It wasn’t hard. I know it was the right thing to do, I wouldn’t be able to give a child a good life right now and that’s all that I want. To give my child the best life.”

“Mm.”

“But I… I can’t believe I actually did it. When I was younger I was one of those people that thought abortion was evil. I was a child though so I could only imagine someone stabbing themselves in the stomach to end a pregnancy, like real murder with a body and skeleton and everything.”

“Ah.”

“But I’m so scared because what if I’m infertile in the future and that was my only chance to have a child and I threw it away so carelessly. Wasted it, because I got pregnant at the wrong time.”

“I’m sure that’s not the case Suki-chan.”

Kaito doesn’t smell like Satoru. He doesn’t act like Satoru would if he was holding her either. He isn’t as big as Satoru, his grip isn’t as tight. He’s not Satoru which should be good because thinking of Satoru makes her feel ill but she also longs so deeply it’s like her very body is being tugged towards him by a fish hook embedded in her aching heart.

“I miss him.” She admits.

“Your ex-partner.”

“Yes. I don’t think I should, not this much, but I do.”

“Why not? Why shouldn’t you miss him this much?”

“It’s just… I think I could get over him. If I stayed away from him and met other people I think I could. I think I should.”

“Why should you?”

“I don’t think we’re what the other needs. I don’t know if we make each other better people.”

Kaito huffs but not unkindly, “You’re a very ambitious woman Suki-chan, you want a lot from relationships.”

“I’m also too young, people aren’t meant to meet so young.”

“Twenty-four isn’t that young.”

Suguru considers telling him the truth and decides against it.

“He’s very perceptive and that scares me because I can’t hide so well with him, but it makes it even worse when he doesn’t know what he’s done because he should. Does that make sense?”

“Not really.”

Suguru shakes her head, “It’s okay. I’m tired now, let’s sleep.”

“Alright.”

He keeps holding her and slowly Suguru drifts into a fitful slumber.

When she wakes it’s silently and with a start. By the digital clock on the nightstand it’s several hours later though still deep into the night. Kaito is snoring and has pulled away at some point.

Suguru gathers up her purse, puts on her shoes, and leaves silently.

The night is deep and dark and she feels hollowed out of something essential.

She looks at her phone contacts and wants to speak to someone, but doesn’t know who. It’s too late to call anyone anyway. This is the time of night to be alone.

So alone she is. She walks back to her hotel alone and showers alone and finally gets into bed as the sun is rising alone. She has an exorcism to perform but that can wait until the afternoon so she sets an alarm, shuts the blinds and falls asleep completely alone.

*

It’s snowing when she gets back to campus. The sky had been gravid with the possibility all day and as Suguru made her way from the train station the snow had finally started.

By the time she gets back to her dorm room she’s been dusted, a donut covered in powdered sugar, and so has to shake herself off roughly. It’s been a while since she was back here, longer than she would have even thought. She wasn’t even trying to stay away anymore, the missions took on a life of their own and swept her off her feet into a rushing tide that stripped her of memory or feeling.

Suguru puts her hands on her dresser. It’s not as dusty as she would have expected. She stares at her reflection in the mirror.

Cold and windswept, she actually looks okay. Dark eyes. Flushed cheeks. Red lips. She looks as though she’s been coloured in by a higher power. She tries a smile at the mirror and while creaky it passes muster.

“Suguru.”

Satoru doesn’t knock of course. She hadn’t sensed his cursed energy on campus when she arrived so he must have just got back while she was busy staring at herself.

She turns, it’s been the first time they’ve seen each other in the flesh since that morning. Months and months ago. Time has been kind; Suguru’s instinctive reaction is fondness and how much she missed him.

“Satoru, long time no see.” She smiles.

He crosses her small room in large steps and sweeps her into a hug. She laughs, delighted by the enthusiasm.

“Ah Satoru,” She tries to scold, “Don’t manhandle me so much.”

“It’s been months.” Satoru squeezes her, “How have we not seen each other for months?”

“Mission timetabling.” Suguru can say easily, “I’ve barely been back to campus at all.”

“Hmph.” Satoru’s childish pique is so cute and she can’t help but think so and cling harder as a result.

“Suguruuuu.” Satoru bows back abruptly and lifts her off her feet. Suguru gasps and kick the air

“Satoru! Put me down!”

“Ugh.” He shakes her a little while suspended in his arms, swaying back and forth, “Suguru, we can’t let this happen again. Four months. Four months! No way. You need to stay here for a bit.”

She gives up trying to get down and just hangs there, feet dangling above the ground. “It’s not my choice Satoru, it depends on what missions there are and-”

“Yeah yeah.” Satoru doesn’t actually sound like he’s listening. He finally sets her on her feet only to squeeze her even tighter, crushing the air out of her. “Just stay for a bit, okay?”

“Okay.” She’s unable to argue too hard.

“What are you doing for Christmas and New Years?”

“I was going to stay at campus on Christmas but go back to visit my parents for a day or two over New Years.”

“Mm okay.” Satoru finally releases her. “We should spend all our free time together.”

She laughed, charmed by how hard he was playing it, “All our free time? Sounds exhausting.” She teased.

“Mah.” Satoru went to sit on her bed and sprawled backwards over it, “You say that now but we’re gonna have so much fun.”

“Oh?”

“Mm, in fact dinner tonight,” Satoru sits up, “Lets get yakitori.”

“Alright.” Suguru has finished unpacking her meagre bag, “Sounds good.”

“Great, c’mon. Let’s go now.”

“Now?”

He’s towing her away before she can attempt to protest.

“Your hands are so cold.” He tells her as they walk, grabbing one in both of his and rubbing hard, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Geez, so rude.” Suguru takes her hand back, “I have bad circulation that’s all.”

“Does that mean your feet are cold too?”

“A little maybe.”

“You need thicker socks.”

Suguru laughs, “Sure Satoru. You’re right.”

“Of course I am. C’mon.” Grabbing her wrist he drags her into the closest shop, one of the department stores lining the streets where his chosen yakitori spot is. The ground floor is always a sprawling maze of displays for gloves and hats and umbrellas and handkerchiefs. Satoru walks unerringly to a display of gloves and picks up a pair to shove into her hands.

“What about these?”

“I’m not just going to buy some gloves now.” Suguru shakes her head. Her ears are so cold they ache.

“Fine, but what about this pair?”

Suguru considers them. They’re nice she supposes, as far as gloves go.

“They’re not bad.”

Satoru keeps them in his grip and tows her to the next display of hats and earmuffs and knitted headbands.

“You should wear something like this.” He declares, “Your head is way too cold.” He presses a hand against her ear and she’s shocked by the warmth.

“Alright.” Suguru pulls away and looks around them. Thankfully all the shopkeepers are occupied and haven’t noticed Satoru groping her ears in public.

“What about these?” Satoru plucks a pair of earmuffs off their display and jams them into her head. “Do you like these?”

They’re messing up her hair for one and Suguru sighs mightily as she takes them off and tries to get some semblance of order in place.

“Don’t take them off!” Satoru is indignant, “Do you like them or not?”

Suguru, because she wants to avoid trouble, puts the earmuffs back on and looks into the little display mirror.

They’re not bad and feel soft and comfortable against her cold ears.

“They’re nice.” She decides.

“Great.” Satoru pulls them off her head and tows her off once more.

“Satoru.” She protests, “I don’t want to shop right now, if you’re taking me to the sock selection I’m not interested. I just want to eat yakitori, I’m getting hungry.”

Satoru pauses, “Fine.”

But instead of leaving the shop he goes up to the checkout and buys the gloves and earmuffs. Suguru can’t even protest, he makes a face at her and pretends not to hear when she tries. He doesn’t even ask the staff to wrap up the items, just cut off the tags, before he’s shoving Suguru’s hands into the gloves and the earmuffs over her head, though this time he makes a some minor effort not to mess up her hair.

“There,” Satoru takes her wrist once more as they head back outside, “Isn’t that better?”

It’s definitely warmer. “Yeah. Satoru… why did you buy these for me?”

“Because you were cold.”

It’s both an answer and not. Suguru just sighs, “You can’t just strong arm me into things whenever you want you know.”

Satoru stiffens, “I know that. I’m not… we can return the stuff if you really don’t want it.”

“It’s fine.” It had been sweet of Satoru to buy them for her and she didn’t feel as cold anymore, “It was really nice of you to get them for me Satoru, thanks. I should have started with that.”

Satoru brightens, beaming at her, “You're welcome.”

Nothing seems to have changed. Their relationship has been preserved like a fly trapped in amber, enough so that Satoru and Suguru can sit together and have dinner like nothing is different. Laughing and teasing and pushing back and forth the way they always have.

“And then the curse went blam!” Satoru slaps his hand down on the table, “I was alright of course but the auxiliary manager got completely coated in guts. Ha!”

“Well I sure as hell didn’t want to ride in the car back with him when he was all gross like that so I said I’d make my own way home.”

“Awful!”

“You would’ve done the same if you could have seen it,” Satoru spread out his hands, “Really stinky curse.”

“You’re the stinky curse.” Suguru retorts though it doesn’t make much sense.

Satoru laughs anyway.

Walking back to campus Suguru feels full of good food, lethargic and tentatively happy, so she loops arms with Satoru and leans into his side because she wants to be close to him. After everything he’s the person she still wants to be close to. He makes her so happy even when he’s not doing anything and she makes him happy too. But something in Suguru will always baulk at it.

It would be easy to just give in and give Satoru everything he wants. He could even f*ck her whenever he wants, whenever he feels like it. But there’s still a large part of her that rejects that. Satoru is a young God so why should she worship him too? No matter what they do their relationship will always be unequal.

She turns her face into his shoulder as they enter campus because she suddenly feels out of control, the way she had for the past few months, spinning off in all directions, and she needs him to hold her steady.

“Suguru?” Satoru’s hand is gentle where it cups the back of her head, “You okay? Are you tired?”

“Mm.”

“You’ve been doing too many missions.” Satoru says firmly. He walks carefully as if not to dislodge her face from its perch against him.

“Mm.”

“Here.” Satoru takes her back to her room and helps take off her coat, then the earmuffs and finally gloves. He digs in her drawers for some sweatpants and a sweatshirt and pushes them into her hands. “I’ll be back.” He says.

When he does come back it’s with a hot cup of tea. “Here. Your hands are cold again.”

“I need to wash my face.”

“You can do that later, sit down and drink your tea.”

Suguru pretends to be put off but she’s not really. She curls up on her bed and tucks her feet in to drink her tea. Satoru lingers by the door.

“Here,” Suguru pats the space next to her, “Come and sit.”

Satoru comes over and sits down. Suguru curls into his side, tucking her feet under his thigh.

“You’re wearing your outdoor clothes on my bed. Gross.” She makes a face.

“Oi! You invited me to sit!” But Satoru has relaxed, he leans back smiling languidly and ends up resting his cheek on the top of her head.

She sips her tea slowly and they sit in silence. Suguru’s head is quiet, a rarity for her, and she counts Satoru’s gentle exhales as time ticks on. Eventually the mug is finished.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Satoru asks, “I can get my laptop.”

“Alright.”

He heaves himself up off her bed and instead of walking he teleports to his room and back.

“What was that for?” Suguru can’t help but ask as he pops open the DVD case and slots it into the laptop.

“Couldn’t be bothered to walk.” Satoru sets up the laptop on a chair facing her bed and then sits down next to her, against the wall. She leans against him and he puts an arm around her.

The movie starts and Suguru falls asleep before the main characters are introduced.

*

She wakes up with her head on Satoru’s chest.

He’s breathing deeply, clearly asleep, and she’s so comfortable and warm she doesn’t want to get up. Her thoughts are hazy and sleep-cotton has replaced her brain. She imagines if he woke up and just shifted a little and slipped his hand under her sweatshirt and they could fall into each other all over again.

Somehow if her fuzzy state it doesn’t seem like a bad idea. It sounds like it would be nice to be absorbed into Satoru. She imagines them joining their bodies together again and feels nothing but curiosity. Maybe it could be better this time? Sex is supposed to be good, that’s what people say anyway and she wants to feel good.

She shifts, hand sliding up his chest. He smells so much like himself and Suguru finds it reignities all those old dormant feelings. She’s like pollen, swept up into the air in an effervescent cloud after being disturbed by careless feet.

Suguru… you know he likes you right?

Suguru hadn’t the heart or ability to explain to Shoko that it wasn’t as romantic as her friend thought it was. Suguru knew she was the first person who could match Satoru blow for blow, she had impressed him back then when they met, and as a result had been allowed to slip into a special category which no one else had claim over: an equal.

Even if he thought of her that way it hadn’t stopped him from ordering her around at first. He hadn’t treated her like someone he respected and it depressed her to think about the extent to which he had rolled his eyes and dismissed her until she had proved her worth by knocking him on his face. Only after that had he started calling them the strongest together .

It amazes her that she managed to forget: the ferocity with which she wanted him to like her, the desperation to befriend him and the joy when he began to return her smiles and sling his arm around her shoulders. The amount of time and effort it took for Gojo Satoru to defrost. Suguru never realised she was so thick skinned.

I did it! She would think when Satoru was kind to her. I did it!

But what did she really do? Be so nice to someone it had to start spilling into them? She degraded herself and Satoru… no she can’t think about this.

She sniffs and presses her cheek more firmly into his chest but unfortunately the thoughts won’t stop coming.

She always used to justify that it wasn’t his fault: he was dismissive and mean to everyone. No one was strong enough to justify the respect of a boy raised as a King after all. But why had she let it all go so easily?

His eyes sliding over her became his smile. “Suguru!” He would call, taking her wrist or sometimes even her hand. “Suguru, should I do this?” “Suguru, should we go together?” “Suguru, what do you think?”

And like so many generations of stupid women she had forgiven any and all previous transgressions once she was given a hint of regard. Gods, how easy was she? No wonder he didn’t hesitate to try and f*ck her, he knew she would say yes all along.

Throughout all these thoughts she knows she should get up off Satoru but she can’t bring herself to move.

She sniffles, emotional and stupid for it, and inhales far too loudly before freezing. What if he wakes up now?

Thankfully he doesn’t seem to.

How long will it take for Satoru to lose interest now that she’s no longer strong enough to match him? She has value to him still as his “best friend” as long as she’s kind to him and talks to him and lets him hold her like this. But how far can that really reach?

She trusts Satoru, but she doesn’t trust in the future.

Looking up she can take in his face. His eyes are closed and his mouth is relaxed. She leans up, half sitting up, so she’s hovering over him and looks down at his perfectly symmetrical features.

She was pregna-

She cuts off that thought as quickly as she can, getting out of bed and shoving her feet into her slippers.

“Hey Suguru-”

He’s woken up.

She turns towards him like she’s looking towards own execution and her heart aches at the sight of him sleepy soft and smiling.

“Morning.” He makes a face, “It’s cold.” He reaches out, spreading his arms wide, “Come back.”

“I need the bathroom.” Suguru says, she swallows. “I’ll be back.”

Then she leaves.

She takes too long in the bathroom, hiding, until she decides there’s no reason why she needs to actually go back to her room.

So she crosses the hallway and goes to Shoko’s room.

“Come in.” Her friend calls when she knocks.

Suguru smiles as she ducks inside, “Hi.”

“Oh hey.” Shoko is still in bed and she puts down the book she was reading.

Suguru walks over and sits on Shoko’s desk chair, tucking her feet up.

“Gojo slept over in your room huh?”

Suguru blanches, “How did you know that?”

“I went to your room to say hi last night but you were passed out. He answered the door.”

“Oh.”

“So?”

“Nothing. We were watching a movie and I fell asleep.”

Shoko shakes her head, “Sure.” She sighs, “Please say you used protection this time.”

Suguru shakes a little, she can’t help it, she’s been trying not to think about it.

“I can’t- we didn’t sleep together.”

“Oh. So you just slept together platonically.”

Suguru puts her face in her knees, “Yeah.”

“You know… Gojo’s probably gonna propose to you one day. He’s gonna assume you’ll say yes and have all his super strong best sorcerer babies and nothing is ever going to change. He’s like that.”

Suguru wants to protest on instinct and say that Satoru would never because he doesn’t see her that way and… but that’s not true is it? Not seeing her that way doesn’t have anything to do with it. Satoru doesn’t like most people but he likes her and he needs to get married one day so why not her? It makes sense.

Suguru doesn’t want to be his sure choice. She hates the thought of being Satoru’s inevitability.

“Shoko… do you think I’m easy?”

“You’ve only ever slept with Satoru right? That once?”

“Yeah.”

“Then no, not by definition.”

“I don’t mean… I mean easy for him.”

Shoko considers it and then shrugs, “Yeah. You’re so nice to him.”

“That’s not… why wouldn’t I be?”

“He’s really f*cking mean Suguru, surely you’ve noticed that.”

“He’s not.”

“Sure.”

“Shoko.”

“You asked and I answered.” Shoko tucks her hands under her head, “What do you want me to say?”

“He’s not mean to you.”

“Sure, not really.”

“Suguru, sorry to say but you’re biased. You’re not a regular person to him. You’re the other half, “the strongest” and all of that.”

“What if I’m not anymore? The strongest.”

“If you’re asking if Gojo is gonna dump you now that he’s levelled up then obviously not. You’re not just the strongest to him because of what you can do… it’s more complicated than that though hell if I could explain it.”

“I don’t think I really understand it either.”

“If you’re feeling insecure you could always tell him. Gojo’s dumb as bricks but he’s also smart, if you tell him how you’re feeling he would probably be able to help.”

“Help how?” Suguru chews on her lip and shudders, “I was thinking about it this morning, about…” She’s unable to say it, “And I don’t… I don’t know how to act around him.”

“How did you act last night then?”

“It was so easy last night, like nothing was different. It was exactly the same. But it can’t be. He can’t have… we can’t have… and have it be the same. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Suguru, I don’t know what to say. When it comes to Gojo I’m at sea.” Shoko waves one hand around in the air, “But whatever you want to do, Team Suguru remember?”

Suguru laughed, “Thanks. I don’t know. But I’m way too young to get married.”

“Did you ever want to get married at all? I always thought you did.”

“I did.” Suguru confirms, “I do. But it feels more complicated now.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t think I’m the type of person who can get married anymore. I’m so-” Dirty. “Tired.” She finishes with.

“Feel you there. But I was never interested in marriage to begin with.”

“Really? How come?”

“It’s so much work. You have to meet someone and get to know them and look after them and then live together and be in each other's spaces and care for their friends and family.” Shoko makes a face, “I don’t have the energy or patience for it. Imagine having a bad day and coming home and there’s someone else there who has forgotten to wash the dishes or take out the garbage and you can’t even be angry at them because you’re supposed to love them.”

“I think that’s the part of marriage I’d like the most.” Suguru says honestly, “Having someone to come home to. I really hate being alone.”

“Yeah, I get that impression from you.”

“Oh?”

“You’re a person that likes people Suguru, no wonder you can handle Gojo who is like five people rolled into one.”

Suguru laughs, “I don’t even know what you mean by that.” But she feels a little better, “But thanks Shoko. I’m gonna go now.”

“See you.” Shoko picks her book back up.

Suguru goes back to her room to find Satoru still there, lying under her duvet with his hands tucked under his head in a parallel to the way Shoko was.

“Hi.” She says, a little shyly even. She finds she suddenly doesn’t know what to say to him. Satoru stretched out in her bed makes her stomach feel like it's twisting under her skin.

“Hey you’re back.” Satoru pouts, “You were gone ages.”

“I went to see Shoko.” Suguru walks over to the bed and finds herself unsure of what to do.

Satoru lifts up the duvet and beckons her under so she does. She climbs in beside him and lets him wrap his arms around her. Maybe he likes her so much because he just needs a body pillow.

“I’ve got a mission later.” Satoru tells her, “It’s in Tokyo so you should come with me, I know you’re not scheduled for anything.”

Suguru wants to say no instinctively but finds herself saying okay anyway. Satoru squeezes her tighter in response as a reward.

“Satoru?”

“Mm?” He asks, nose in her hair.

“Happy birthday.” She murmurs.

“Huh.” He doesn’t seem to know what to say. It makes Suguru so sad.

“Happy birthday.” She repeats, “Seventeen is very old. Hey, how about later we go and get some cake, hm?”

She’d already gotten him a gift months ago, it’s tucked into the back of her closet.

Satoru responds with ready enthusiasm. It makes Suguru wonder what’s so terribly wrong with her desire to take care of him, it comes naturally after all but there’s still a part of her that wants to fight against instinct.

All her life she’s wanted to be a good girl and then a good woman. A large part of that is being a good wife keeping a happy home. Now she’s found the best boy she can do that for, gift over her years of practice with pride, and all of a sudden she doesn’t want to.

Most bafflingly, she thinks if it were anyone but Satoru she wouldn’t be struggling so much with the idea.

*

“Make sure to get lots of sleep.” Suguru’s mother tells her, smiling closed lip as she exits the house with her small case, “You’re still looking pale. Two days feel very insubstantial for a break.”

“We have a lot of exams and I study better at school.” Suguru smoothly lies as she walks over to the car.

“Good luck.” Her mother says, “Drive safely.”

Suguru’s father is driving her to the station and is already sitting behind the wheel as Suguru loads her case into the back of the car.

“Thank you for driving me.” Suguru says as he pulls out of their driveway.

Her father just nods.

They drive in silence the short distance it takes to get to the station. Suguru collects her case back out of the car and then turns back to the window which her father rolls down.

“Goodbye. Thank you for driving me.” She repeats.

“Goodbye.” He gives her another nod, “Get good marks in your exams and be safe in the city.”

“I will.” Suguru waves once and then turns to walk up the ramp into the station. The platform is empty and freezing but the train is expected in a few minutes so Suguru can deal with it.

Her phone pings.

Satoru: are you on your train yet?

Suguru: It’s coming in a few minutes, so soon.

Satoru calls her.

Suguru doesn’t even consider not picking up.

“Happy new year.” She greets first.

“Happy new year.” Satoru echoes back, “How were your parents?”

“Good.”

“So glad you’re coming back, I’ve been bored as hell.”

“You should have gone back to the Gojo compound.”

“Nah, if I went back I’d get sucked into a thousand and one different things I’d have to do. Better not to give anyone the chance.”

Suguru finds herself somewhat curious. She’s never really asked in depth about Satoru’s duties before, mainly because at first she didn’t want to come across too clueless and try-hard asking him what a clan head actually did, and later on because it was clear Satoru didn’t give a crap and therefore why should she?

But now she finds herself wondering about what those duties Satoru would be forced into actually are.

“Like what?”

“Well, one of my crazier Aunts is convinced I’m a deity and she loves the idea of me blessing everyone on New Years.”

Suguru can’t help but laugh, “What?”

“Yeah, like how people go to temples for New Years except she wants me to sit on the altar and all the members of our clan will throw the coins and clap twice in front of me instead.”

Suguru keeps giggling, “Satoru, that's crazy.”

“Yeah I think so too, although maybe I can grant wishes, I’ve never tried before after all.” His tone drops, becoming conspiratorial, “Geto Suguru I grant you three wishes, tell me what you want.”

Suguru’s train pulls up to the platform at that moment but she keeps her phone pressed to her ear, sliding her case onto the rack, and then picking a seat. Thankfully the carriage is mostly empty.

“Tick tock.” Satoru sing-songs, “I’m waiting.”

“Don’t pressure me Satoru, it’s a hard question. I think…” Suguru swallows, “I think first of all I would wish Riko was still alive.” She speaks quickly before Satoru can say anything, “And then I would wish that there were no more cursed spirits, I wish that cursed energy just didn’t exist anymore so we’d all be regular civilians and no one would be getting hurt and then… I wish…” She’s not sure what to use her last wish for. Maybe that she and Satoru had never had sex or that she’d never been pregnant but she can’t say that to Satoru, she’s cognisant of that at least.

“I wish my legs were longer.” She finally says.

“What?” Satoru sounds entirely taken aback, “You wish your legs were longer?”

“Mm.”

“But why?” He sounds completely bewildered, “You want to be able to run faster or something?”

“What?” Suguru can’t help but giggle, “Obviously not, I just think I’d look better with longer legs.”

“What the hell?” Satoru still sounds honestly confused, “Who told you that?”

“No one told me that.” Suguru can’t help but roll her eyes, “That’s just how I feel.”

“You have great legs.” Satoru says with feeling, “Don’t change them.”

“My thighs are a little chunky, if my legs were longer then that would even them out.”

“Do you not like your body?” Satoru asks, still sounding confused.

Suguru has no idea how to answer that question. Is there a single teenage girl out there who does like her body? Suguru knows she’s still “growing” and should give herself time but she’s always felt awkward and out of place in her own skin: taller and less petite than she wanted to be, chunkier, more muscular, too soft, too hard and so on.

It’s one of those things that she thinks less about the older she gets, she’s sure that when she’s in her thirties she’s not going to be wishing for longer legs anymore but at sixteen, so close to seventeen, she still sometimes smooths self-conscious hands over her hips and laments that her old sizes don’t always fit.

“It depends.” Suguru finally answers, “It was a silly wish anyway, I’ll change it. I wish…” She struggles with this last wish, “I’m not sure.”

It feels very pathetic not to be able to think of a third thing she wants.

“You’re really good looking Suguru.” Satoru suddenly says, “I love your body.”

“Satoru-”

“You’re super sexy.” Satoru insists in a way that actually makes Suguru feel worse rather than better, “Seriously-”

“You don’t have to say anything Satoru.” Suguru cuts him off, “It’s fine. Just forget about the legs thing.”

Satoru isn’t the right person for her to talk about this with. Not just because he’s a boy and not just because he’s Satoru, it’s a combination of both of those factors that make him empathising with her on this point all but impossible.

“I’m going to read my book.” She tells him, “I’ll see you in a few hours, okay?”

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah sure. I’ll see you soon Suguru.”

“See you soon.”

Suguru reads approximately two pages of her book and spends the rest of the journey staring out the window at the countryside rushing past. It’s winter so everything is brown instead of green. It’ll be her birthday sooner rather than later and she’ll be seventeen years old.

Sixteen had been the worst year of her life.

Suguru lets her gaze become fuzzy and unfocused as she stares out at nothing. Time is passing her by. Another New Year. She can remember this exact journey she took this time last year. She had been enthusiastic then and finished her whole book on the ride. Satoru had texted her too, back and forths that she had treasured and she had looked forward to seeing him so much, this strange amazing boy who she was now proper friends with.

When she’d got back to campus he’d given her a late Christmas present, some earrings she never wears because they look far too expensive. She’d honestly thought he’d gotten one of his staff to pick them out because he seemed uninterested in the actual gift and her reaction. Still, she’d been touched. He’d been a little standoffish in the way he was back then, switching between warm and cold and yet never leaving her side through it all.

Satoru actually has changed so much. And so has she. Him for the better, her for the worse. Once she thinks that she can’t help but have that thought percolate through her mind round and round like the abuse of a spin cycle. There’s a reason delicates have their own wash setting.

Her mind trips over old memories and once unsettled they pour out and Suguru can’t do anything to stop them. This time she doesn’t try, she just closes her eyes and tucks her face more firmly into her scarf.

If she hadn’t aborted their baby she would be… five months along by now. She would be showing a lot. She would have passed the legal limit for terminating a pregnancy. More than halfway gone she would only have four months left.

She made the right decision, her regrets aren’t real in the sense that she doesn’t wish that she was pregnant now. She doesn’t wish that she was actually giving birth to their baby soon but she can’t help but think anyway. Maybe because she doesn’t know if she’ll ever get the chance again.

Jujutsu is a cruel uncertain life. She may be a special grade but she could still die tomorrow.

By the time she gets off the train she’s exhausted and raw. Emotional with no good reason for it.

“Hey Suguru.”

“Satoru?” Her brows tilt up, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to meet you. I missed you.” Her recently revisited memories of Satoru are still lingering fresh in her mind and that means that the image of him a year ago overlaps slightly with the person in front of her.

Taller. Broader. Smiling at her. Has everything really changed so much?

Satoru frowns at her, head tilting to the side, “You seem upset.” He comes closer and puts an arm around her, “What’s wrong Suguru?”

Everything and nothing. A year ago if Gojo Satoru had come to pick her up at the station she would have been amazed and touched. Now she wishes he wouldn’t because now he knows she’s upset and she’s not supposed to be upset in front of him.

“Nothing really. I’m just tired.”

Satoru’s mouth flattens out, “C’mon, let’s go get something to eat. You look like you’ve lost even more weight, you’re not on a diet or something stupid like that right?”

“No Satoru I’m not, and it’s rude to comment on a woman’s weight.”

Satoru steers her expertly through the crowds and down the street, when did he get so tall?

“Ramen?” He asks.

“Mm. Okay.”

She doesn’t have much of an appetite but Satoru is naturally pushy and unconcerned with seeming aggressive. He coaxes and dares and bullies her into finishing the bowl and it says a lot that she’s still concerned with disappointing him even now.

If he knew what the inside of her head looked like, she wonders how he would react. She imagines the cavity of her skull yawns open, empty except for the same sludgy dark residue that curses leave behind.

“You don’t need to diet.” Satoru suddenly says after they’ve split the bill and are heading back to campus, “You’re really beautiful Suguru.”

She can’t help but snort with laughter.

“I’m serious!” He gets indignant, “You’ve got a great body Suguru and you look pretty when you’re not so skinny, so don’t diet anymore.”

She wasn’t dieting to begin with. But maybe that’s better that Satoru thinks she’s vain rather than incapable. She’s too exhausted to eat and there’s a part of her that wonders if wasting away might be a kinder way to go. Slowly losing mass until she disappears altogether.

“Okay Satoru.” She shakes her head.

He’s so ridiculous. He’s so nice. He’s awful. He’s… the kindest person she knows. How did that happen?

*

“No missions again?” Shoko asks as Suguru sits down opposite her where she’s working.

“Mm, nothing this week. It’s a little strange.”

“Not that weird, cursed energy fluctuates so it makes sense that the frequency of curses would fluctuate too.”

“I suppose so.” Suguru taps her fingers on the table, “Satoru’s just as busy though.”

“Yeah well he’s the pillar of all Jujutsu society, so makes sense why he’d be busy.”

Suguru hums, “I’m going to ask something and it’s going to sound… silly.”

“Ask away.”

“Is Satoru really that important? I know he’s the heir to the Gojo clan and they’re one of the three great clans and I know he’s the strongest but is he really so important?” Suguru couldn’t help but blush, “I feel like I answered my own question with that.”

“Hm. Kind of but it’s more complicated than that.” Shoko tipped back her chair onto two legs, “When Gojo was born the balance of power in the world shifted, cursed spirits got stronger, yin and yang and all of that. He’s so strong he forced the world to adapt to him. When he was born there was already a hit on him for something insane like a hundred million yen.”

“I knew about that, he told me when we met, I suppose I never really thought about it…”

“He’s so blasé about this sh*t that of course you wouldn’t think too much about it. He’s not even trying to talk down either, to him it’s all normal because it’s the way things have always been.” Shoko hums, “He’s the yardstick that every Jujutsu sorcerer or curse user needs to measure themselves up against now.”

“Mm.”

“There are only three special grades after all: you, Gojo and there’s this other lady that’s always overseas. The standard isn’t low, you know.”

“I know. I just… he’s really not a normal person is he?”

“It’s taken you this long to figure that out? Wow, love truly is blind.”

“I’m not-”

“Yeah yeah.” Shoko finally set her chair back down on four legs, “He’s a scary guy Suguru, those weeks before you joined our class he didn’t say three words to me the whole time. The first thing he did when he found out I had Reverse Cursed Technique was ask me how someone so weak knew how to do something he didn’t.”

“Satoru’s rude but he’s not malicious.”

“Yeah I’ll give him that, but the way he stared at me… it was creepy as hell. With the Six Eyes it was like he was trying to dissect me so he could figure out how my technique worked.”

Suguru had experienced something similar but she had always met Satoru blow for blow. It’s amazing to look back through the lens of what Shoko is saying and remember that she had never felt afraid or intimidated or wary, not even a little. Maybe it’s because she thought he was just a boy, like so many others, if a little stronger, and she could treat him like how she did everyone else.

“He’ll never be an ordinary person.” Suguru says and for all that it sounds like the most basic thing it comes out with the air of a revelation. “Shoko I… I don’t know what to do.”

“About Gojo?”

“I’m not strong enough to be with him.” And she means in a multitude of ways, not just in terms of her cursed technique but in terms of her character. Suguru had always considered herself a resilient and self-sufficient individual but she’s not strong enough. Not strong enough to be with Gojo Satoru.

Shoko looks sympathetic and even sighs, “Suguru… I really don’t envy you.”

“If Satoru and I had children would they have hits put on them?” Suguru asks, “Will they be forced to go to the college? Will I always be worried that they could die? I can’t send my children off to fight curses, I can’t.”

“I don’t know Suguru. I really don’t.”

Suguru pillows her cheek on her arms, “Maybe less missions is actually a bad thing, it’s giving me way too much time to think.”

“And maybe that’s a good thing. Thinking is a good thing to do every so often.”

“Mm.” Suguru can’t say she agrees.

*

The next months slip through her fingers like sand. Maybe it’s because they’re so easy. Her mission load has reduced dramatically, as if the New Year had really signalled a new world.

For her birthday the juniors and Shoko got her a cake. It was a strawberry shortcake, white and fluffy with plump red out of season strawberries dotting the perimeter. Suguru had wished, nonsensically, that she was that cake. Untouched and sweet and pretty. The thought had flown out of her head as soon as it appeared because it was a stupid thing to think.

She had blown out her candles and closed her eyes and wished so hard that seventeen would be a better year. She would shed sixteen like a snake sheds skin. It would be better.

The four of them had then crowded around the kitchen table to play board games for the rest of the afternoon. Shoko had chain smoked and Nanami had judged her silently and Haibara had been cheerfully oblivious of it all.

Satoru was away in a different prefecture for a mission. He’d called her in the morning to wish her happy birthday and Suguru had been glad for the distance. It was easier to sound better over the phone.

Satoru had sounded tired and stressed under his cheer and she had tried to laugh and joke with him until she could hear the smile in his voice when they hung up. Her performance had been so good it had even made her feel better for a little bit.

“I win!” Haibara grins and shoves his hands in the air, “Yes!”

“Well done.” Suguru smiles at him, “It was well-deserved.”

“You fought valiantly until the end.” It’s been clear Shoko hasn’t been paying proper attention since her third turn.

“It’s getting a little late.” Suguru decides because it’s dark outside and it’s a school night. “How does everyone feel about going to bed? Ending on a high note.” She smiles at Haibara.

“Good idea.” Nanami begins to pack up the board and together they all clean up the room, setting it back to its pristine state. “Happy birthday Geto-senpai.”

“Thank you Nanami.”

“Happy birthday.” Haibara also says one last time before the two of them walk off back to put away the board games and then go to bed.

“I’m exhausted.” Shoko complains as she and Suguru leave the kitchen for their rooms, “Board games really take it out of you, too much thinking.”

“Thinking?”

“Oh yeah. All that strategy.” Shoko raises tired eyes to the ceiling, “Exhausting.”

Suguru just laughs, “Sure sure.”

“It was fun though.” Shoko does say, smiling as they reach their rooms, “We should do this kind of stuff more often.”

“Yeah, we could even invite Utahime-senpai next time if she’s around?”

“Yeah good idea. Happy birthday Suguru. See you tomorrow.”

“See you.”

Suguru returns to her quiet room. It looks strangely peaceful in the gloom, familiar and neat. She picks up a towel and her shower caddy and her pyjamas and goes to the bathroom to shower.

Under the hot water she imagines that sixteen is melting off her; all the heartbreak and horror and pain of the past year is sloughing off layer by layer like candle wax so she can emerge clean and pristine once more.

After her shower she does her skincare carefully, step by step, and then goes back to her room to gets into bed. She feels good, burnished brighter than the dull sheen that had haunted her the past months.

Six months. Six months since the failed mission and everything that came with it. Before she knew it a year would have passed and then maybe even two and three and maybe when she was twenty-five things would be better.

Suguru falls asleep to those thoughts.

*

When Suguru wakes it’s still dark and she feels too tired to have slept more than an hour or two. She has no idea what’s woken her up at first until she opens her eyes and almost screams at seeing Satoru standing at the end of her bed.

“Satoru!” She gasps, putting a hand to her chest, “What on earth are you doing?”

“I just got back.” Satoru smoothly walks up to her and crouches by her head, “It’s not yet midnight so it’s still your birthday.”

Suguru is sleep muddled and just laughs, “Of course of course. You’re so diligent, Satoru.” She smiles at him, “You already wished me happy birthday though.”

“I wanted to see you in person.” Satoru smiles back, “Happy birthday Suguru.”

She feels so fond that it renders her almost insensate with emotion. “Thank you Satoru.” She reaches out a hand and cups his cheek, rubbing her thumb back and forth over his cheekbone. “How are you? How was your mission?”

“Meh it was okay. Nothing exciting.” Satoru reaches into his pocket, “Here I got you a present.”

“Oh?” Suguru smiles, “That’s very sweet of you Satoru.” She sits up properly, duvet pooling at her waist.

“Here.” He pulls out a small box.

“More jewellery?” She asks.

“Yeah.” He rocks back on his heels once she’s taken the box, leaning in to rest an elbow on her bed.

She opens it up under his glowing gaze, it’s a necklace.

“Oh Satoru thank you, it’s very pretty.” She laughs, “Is it a set with those earrings?” It’s meant to be teasing and Satoru grins back and nods.

“Yup.”

“And what are you going to get me next year? A ring?”

She means it as a joke and doesn’t fully register what she’s said until after it comes out.

Satoru just laughs, “That’s the idea.”

It’s likely a joke but Suguru doesn’t know anymore. She should say something.

She doesn’t.

“It’s beautiful Satoru.” She turns her attention back to the necklace, “But too nice to wear day to day, I’ll bring it out for special occasions okay?’

She hadn’t owned anything so nice before the earrings Satoru bought her last year. She used to bring out the box and stare at them even if she never wore them, just trace her fingers over the sheen and marvel.

“It’s late.” Suguru says, “Do you have any missions tomorrow?”

Satoru makes a face, “Yeah. I’m gonna be gone for a week supposedly.”

“Oh.” Suguru feels her mouth downturn in sympathy, “You know Satoru I’ve been really free recently, maybe if I took on more work then you wouldn’t have to do so much.”

Satoru stands fluidly, “Nah, don’t worry about it. Hey Suguru, can I sleep with you tonight?”

Suguru should say no.

“Okay, but you need to shower and change first.”

“Great, be back soon.”

Once he’s gone Suguru looks back down at the necklace one last time. She brushes her fingers over the smooth pearls, each perfectly round and plump and glistening like alien eggs. When she received the earrings she had tried to figure out the jeweller and go to the shop to find out how much they had cost but had given up when she’d been unable to make any headway.

She puts the box into the drawer of her nightstand and lies back down.

Satoru returns faster than she thought he would with damp hair and his pyjamas a little wrinkled. When he climbs into her bed she cuddles up to him on instinct. He smells so good and he’s so warm and he had come all the way to wish her Happy Birthday before midnight.

She wishes he didn’t make it so easy for her to be easy for him.

“Happy birthday Suguru.” He whispers into her hair.

“Thank you.”

She falls asleep to his steady inhales and exhales, matching her breathing to his because that made more sense than trying to breathe alone.

*

“Geto-senpai.” Haibara peeked his head into her room, “Sorry to bother you.”

“It’s no problem.” Suguru stood up from her desk, “Is there anything you need help with?”

“I was just about to leave on a mission and I was wondering if you wanted me to bring anything back?”

“Mm, maybe something sweet? Satoru will probably want a bit.”

“Sounds good!”

“Where’s your mission?” She can’t help but ask.

“Nanami and I have been assigned it together, it’s a grade two curse and pretty far away.”

Suguru hums and stands, “Why don’t I come with you two? I don’t have to take part in the exorcism since it’s your mission but it’s been a little while since I was in the field and I don’t have any other plans today.”

“Alright.” Haibara doesn’t look put off, “We would be happy for you to come Geto-senpai!”

*

“Are you two alright?” Suguru brushes down Haiabara’s shoulders and then does the same to Nanami, “Not injured badly?”

“I’m fine.” Nanami is pale, “Yu-”

“I’m okay.” Haibara is holding his side but he looks mostly unharmed. He smiles a very shaky smile. “That was-”

“Not a grade two curse.” Suguru finishes, voice icy.

Haibara burbles a laugh, “Lucky you came with us Geto-senpai.”

“You saved our lives.” Nanami swallows thickly.

“Let’s go back to campus.” Suguru hurries them back to the car, “You two sit in the back. There you go.”

Haibara’s hands are shaking so she buckles his seatbelt for him.

“Murata-san.” She smiles at the auxiliary manager, “Please drive fast, it would be better for us to get back so Nanami-kun and Haibara-kun could be seen by Shoko quickly.”

“Ah yes. Of course.”

Only once the car is moving does Suguru let herself sink into her seat and contemplate the unimaginable and what it would have meant.

*

The text from Kenji is completely unexpected.

Kenji: Hi Suguru-chan, how are you? I’m doing a summer course in Tokyo and will be there for the end of July and all of August. Will you be in the city?

Kenji had called her when she had left her hometown to go to Jujutsu High and said that he might one day visit her in Tokyo. She’s slightly shocked that she’s actually heard from him. She hasn’t seen him since her last day of middle school.

She responds anyway.

Suguru: Hi Kenji-kun, it’s so nice to hear from you! I’m well, I’ll be staying at school over the summer so I’ll be in Tokyo during your dates.

The response is quick

Kenji: Great! I was hoping I could get shown around by a local haha. I’ll be staying on the University of Tokyo campus, is that very inconvenient for you?

Suguru: No don’t worry, it’s not bad. Just let me know your exact dates when you know them and we can meet.

Kenji: Sounds good. Looking forward to seeing you again Suguru-chan.

She doesn’t respond to that last message, just stares at it and thinks about how odd it will feel to have two separate spheres of her life colliding in the heat of the deep summer city.

*

“Suguru-chan.”

“Kenji-kun.”

He’s gotten taller but of course, so has she. He’s taller than her now at least, she always used to be the tallest kid in class in primary school.

They hug a little awkwardly but that might just be on her end.

“It’s so good to see you.” He says, cheerful, “How have you been?”

“Very well.”

Suguru had gotten ready carefully for this meeting. She had done nice makeup and when Shoko had seen her she had been impressed.

“How about you Kenji-kun?” She asks, “Tell me more about your summer course, it sounds very interesting.”

As they talk she leads him to a nice cafe and they get coffee and sit outside on the back terrace together.

“See this is the benefit of hanging around with a local.” Kenji tells her with a grin, “I would never have stumbled on this place on my own.”

“You give me too much credit.” Suguru protests but she’s smiling as she sips her coffee. “So your classes start on Monday?”

“Mm, my mother is acting like I’ve already gotten into the university, not just doing a summer course. It’s a little embarrassing.” He confesses.

“How is your mother?”

“She’s well, she asked me to pass on her well-wishes.”

“Well when you speak to her please do the same.”

After their coffee she takes him to the Nezu museum and they wander around the exhibits and garden for a while. Kenji is openly admiring and Suguru remembers her own first few weeks in Tokyo when everything was new and shiny and special. She remembers how impressed she had been by everything and everyone and conversely how unimpressed Satoru had been. Of course he had always seen and experienced it all and better before.

“Do you have much free time?” Kenji asks as they leave the gallery and walk around to find somewhere for an early dinner, “I’ll have most evenings and all weekends free, I’d like to see you again.”

“Mm, I can make time.” Suguru says, not wanting to promise but also wanting to see Kenji again when their interactions felt so simple and straightforward and unencumbered. He was a relic of her past but that just meant that with him Suguru could become someone she used to be, someone she missed.

He smiles at her, earnest and interested and looking so young compared to how she felt.

She wanted to be young again like that.

*

“Ah sorry, that’s Kenji-kun.” Suguru picked up her pinging phone to check the text.

“What’s he like?” Shoko asked where she was hanging off the edge of Suguru’s bed. “Is he cute?”

Suguru considered it, “I guess so.”

“You don’t really care do you?”

“It doesn’t matter if he’s cute or not, I’m not interested in him like that.”

“I bet he likes you, he’s been messaging you every day for weeks.”

“He’s leaving Tokyo and going home soon anyway, we’re probably not going to see each other again so he’s just making the most of the time we have left.”

“I’m sure he’s not thinking you’ll never see each other again.” Shoko stretched her arms out in front of her, “It’s weird don’t you think? All these people that pass in and out of your life, never to be seen again after spending almost a full month with them.”

“It’s not going to be a conscious decision on our parts.” Suguru tries to explain, “But he still has another year of High School so even if he does get into the University of Tokyo it’ll be a while until he’s back. Our conversation will fizzle out, that’s normal.”

“I guess.” Shoko yawned, the summer heat was obviously making her sleepy. “Gojo was asking after you.”

“He was?”

“Mm, when you were out with Kenji he came back from his mission. He was kind of annoyed you weren’t around.”

“I was only out for the afternoon.”

“Yeah I told him he was being unreasonable, but he had to leave after two hours anyway so I guess he was just hoping to see you during that quick stop off.”

“Mm. I suppose.”

“Did you guys ever have sex again? After that first time?”

“No.”

“Huh. Those sleepovers were all platonic?”

“Yes.”

“You and Gojo really are a different breed.” There was a pause, “So? What did Kenji-kun say?”

Suguru ignored the tone of Shoko’s question and focused on the substance, “He’s said and he and his coursemates are going out to a bar tonight and then a club afterwards, he’s asked if I want to join.”

“Are you going to?”

“I don’t know. Do you want to come with me?”

“Mm, pass.” Shoko rolled over, “I’m on healing standby anyway waiting for the first years to come back.”

“They said they’re fine.”

“Increased oversight since both of them could have died on that mission. There'd be no first year class at all if you hadn’t been there.”

Suguru nodded, “That makes sense, I’m glad I guess.”

“But?”

“I wish it didn’t have to be like this at all. I actually remembered the other day, I can’t believe I ever forgot, that when I found Satoru at the Time Vessel Association and he had found Riko’s body everyone there was clapping. It was so disgusting, they were clapping and cheering and I-” Suguru can’t help but get angry all over again remembering it, “I couldn’t believe it, they were celebrating Riko’s death and I- gods Shoko.”

“That’s f*cked up.” Shoko agrees, “There’s a lot of f*cked up stuff in the world. Like doomsday cults and serial rapists and those freaks.”

“Yeah.” Suguru fiddles with her phone, uncertain.

“Go.” Shoko insists, “Do it for me. Plus you said Kenji is leaving soon, so make the most of this fleeting connection while you can. Have fun and whatever.”

“So poetic.” Suguru teases but she texts Kenji back a simple yes.

Because Shoko is right. Have fun or whatever. Be distracted. Forget the world you live in.

Forget how complicit you are in a system you’re helping to uphold.

Suguru stares down at her phone like it’s a portal to an easier, simpler and yet perhaps less meaningful life.

Or maybe that’s just the arrogance of a girl who thinks she knows everything because she’s experienced near-death.

*

It turns out Kenji wants to have a drink just the two of them before they meet the rest of the group. They sit at a sticky table in a small bar popular with students and sip beer while they discuss the future; Kenji with serious earnestness and Suguru with easy lies.

“So Suguru-chan, have you decided what you want to do at University?” He asks.

Suguru traces abstract shapes in the condensation on her beer glass. Like a small child draws hearts and smiley faces on the shower door.

“Not exactly.” She says because there’s no good way of telling Kenji that she doesn’t have a future and the school she goes to isn’t teaching her literature and mathematics. “I was thinking about teaching for a little bit…”

“You’d be a great teacher.” Kenji says with enthusiasm, “You’re patient and kind, those are important traits. Plus, isn’t your High School really high level? That’s what my mother told me anyway, I’m sure you’ll be able to do anything you want.”

When Suguru is with Kenji she forgets that she’s ever seen and done bloodshed. She becomes the soft pretty High School girl she was always meant to be. It’s a form of cosplay isn’t it? The different skins we can wear successfully around different people.

“What about you Kenji-kun? You said before that you really enjoyed your medical course this summer.”

“It was just a taster but the work was really good and apparently if you do these courses it looks really good on your application when you apply.”

“So you do want to be a doctor?”

“Yeah I think so.” Kenji sweeps a hand through his hair, brushing it back off his forehead, “My parents really want me to do it too, my dad’s dream was always to be a doctor but then his father died so he couldn’t make it to medical school.” Kenji shakes his head and that previously swept back hair just falls back down once more, “It means a lot to him.”

“That’s good that you’re so close to them.”

“Mm yeah, and I feel like it’s a good plan you know?” Kenji finishes off his beer, “Go to University and become a doctor and then get married and have children. I think I’d want to stay in Tokyo, but maybe only until I got married then I’d go somewhere quieter.” He laughs, almost self-conscious, “I don’t know how you always look so calm Suguru-chan, it’s so busy here. Didn’t you feel a huge transition when you first moved here for school?”

“It was hard.” Suguru allows, “But people can get used to anything.”

“Isn’t that true.” Kenji laughs, “I actually like it now! How busy it is and how there’s always so much to do. Plus no one knows anyone so you never bump into someone when you don’t want to, the anonymity is nice.”

“Mm.” Suguru agrees and takes a sip of her beer, Kenji has already called the waiter over and paid for two more although Suguru still isn’t done.

“I remember you were always a family girl when we were younger.” Kenji says as he starts his second drink, “You were always the one the teachers asked to look after the new students and you always helped out with the little kids when you could, my mother always told my sister that she should follow your example and be as good as you were.”

“Ah your mother is too kind, you’re making me sound too virtuous, I can’t live up to it.”

“No way! I was actually really glad it was you in Tokyo Suguru-chan, I really was excited for us to reconnect.”

“I’m glad we have.” Suguru agrees, if only because this taste of another life is something rare and precious to her. She treasures it so much more now. People like her, ordinary people, aren’t supposed to live this life. Even if they’re the strongest.

They finish off their beers and head to the club to join the others. Kenji is already bleary eyed but Suguru feels far too sober. They’re met at the entrance by one of Kenji’s course mates who greets her enthusiastically. Apparently he knows one of the bartenders here which is why the group can get in so easily.

Suguru remains close-lipped and smiley as she’s introduced to the group with Kenji at her side.

The lights are low and the music is loud and everyone is shouting and bumping into each other. Suguru likes it, being buffered between the crowds who are too self-absorbed to pay real attention to her. Kenji sticks to her and they dance. He’s not bad at it.

Suguru closes her eyes, tips her head up, and gives in to a higher power she doesn’t think she believes in.

She has a sudden sharp piercing though, like a knife in her side, that Satoru would hate it here.

When she re-opens her eyes Kenji has moved closer. He reaches out and brushes the skin of her arm. His hand closes but too slow; she’s too fast and he’s too drunk. He smiles, lights glinting off his teeth, and tries again but Suguru is too good at this. She smiles back and dances out of reach, spinning away as he tries again and again to catch her.

Both of them know what he’s doing but she’s pretending she doesn’t and he’s drunk and willing to save pride so he accepts the lie.

“Hey.” He shouts in her ear, breath hot, “Do you want to go and smoke?”

Kenji doesn’t actually know she smokes so this is just an offer to go outside. But Suguru desperately wants the cleansing bite of a cigarette right now.

“Okay.”

Because it’s so busy he takes her hand to lead her out. His palm is sticky and uninspiring.

Outside they join some of his course mates who are smoking in a small circle.

“Hey, can I have one?” Suguru asks, smiling, and is granted the boon of a cigarette and a lighter.

“I didn’t know you smoked.” Kenji says, leaning back against the brick wall.

“Mm, most of my class does. Two thirds in fact.”

“Huh, I guess this is Tokyo.” Kenji tilts his head up to the sky. “Wow I’m so drunk.”

Suguru giggles and blows her smoke expertly in his direction, “So am I.”

“Tokyo is so much f*cking fun.” Kenji says, he slings an arm around her shoulders, “Hey Suguru, do you remember when we used to drink in Aiko’s garden? Or that party Takashi threw? We ran out of beer haha.”

Suguru and Kenji hadn’t talked to each other at either of those gatherings.

“Yeah.” She responds, “I remember Haruto had to call his older brother and beg him to buy more.”

“All of us pooling our cash.” Kenji laughs, “And look at us now.”

He’s so proud to be here. High off the power of being seventeen and drunk in the city, acting like a grown up with his arm around a girl he’s known since elementary school.

Suguru wishes fervently that she could feel the way he does. That he could inject her with his emotions and she could be young and ecstatic to be alive even when it hurts.

“Hey Suguru-chan.” Kenji looks down at her. His eyes are limpid and Suguru knows what he’s going to do, what he’s going to say, before he does.

“Oh!” She exclaims, “My phone just pinged. Sorry.”

“Oh it’s okay.” He pulls away and Suguru pulls out her phone and pretends to check her messages.

“Ah crap, my school has a curfew and I asked my friend to cover for me tonight but she said they’ve done a check and are asking where I am.”

“Yeah yeah if I hurry back now it should be fine.” Suguru bites her lip and looks up at him, expression drawn into faux upset, “I’m so sorry to go.”

“No no it’s alright.” Kenji gives her a nice smile, “We’ll see each other soon okay? I’ll text you.”

“Thank you Kenji-kun, you’re so nice.” She gives him a brief hug in goodbye, squeezing slightly, before pulling away and leaving, waving over her shoulder.

He waves back and then turns and is absorbed by his group of course mates.

Suguru walks quickly, turning the corner and then emptying out onto the main road.

From there she walks with no direction. It’s a hot night and the streets are busy. She’s a ghost, a phantom in the celebratory crowds. She’s rootless, floating off into nothing. Dissolving into her own worst feelings.

Empty. Empty empty empty.

She walks the long way back to Jujutsu High. A school with no curfew and no real rules. A place where strength is the most important thing. A place where the most important thing is to live another day so you can do it all over again. A microcosm of a society built on the same principles.

Suguru sits down on the steps at the entrance and pulls out her phone.

She calls Satoru before she can think too hard about it.

“Suguru? Why’re you calling, it’s so late. Is something wrong?”

She smiles, “No, nothing’s wrong. I’m sorry if I woke you, I just wanted to talk to you.”

“I wasn’t asleep, it’s fine. What do you want to talk about?”

“Nothing really.” Suguru gets up as she talks, “Just… couldn't sleep.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. What about you, why are you awake?”

“Mission stuff, not very exciting though.” Gojo pouts audibly through the phone, “I missed you the other day, what were you doing without me Suguru?”

“Just meeting an old middle school friend.”

“That’s what Shoko said.”

“Well she wasn’t wrong.”

“I’ll be back on Tuesday, you’ll be around right?”

“I’ll make sure of it.”

“Good, it’s not fair how little we get to see each other.”

“Mm. I miss you Satoru.”

“You do?”

Suguru has reached the dorm building by this point and hums in reaffirmation down the phone as she slips off her outdoor shoes, “Obviously I do, do you even need to ask? You’re my best friend.”

“I miss you too. A lot.”

“Tuesday is soon. We’ll spend the day together, okay? I don’t have any missions then.”

“Good.”

Suguru reaches her room and stands there in the dark. She puts her hand on the switch but hesitates from flicking it for some reason. She suddenly thinks of the way Satoru’s eyes glow in the dark.

“I’m going to bed now, but see you on Tuesday.”

“See you soon.”

She finally turns on the light and wonders why she’s disappointed not to find Satoru waiting on her bed.

*

Kenji and Suguru decide to meet for the last time on Wednesday morning and have breakfast before he goes back to campus to finish packing and take the train back on Wednesday night.

She finishes off her mascara and dusts on some blush while Satoru sleeps in her bed. He’d come back much later on Tuesday than either of them expected and she’d fallen asleep while waiting for him. He woke her up when he climbed into her bed, thankfully showered and in pyjamas.

“Hi.” He’d said, rubbing his cheek against hers, “Missed you.”

“Mm.” She’d responded, eyes heavy and unable to engage properly in a real conversation.

He hadn’t said anything else and soon his breathing had evened out. She’d followed him into sleep quickly enough.

When her alarm had gone off Satoru’s nose had wrinkled but he hadn’t gotten up. Suguru had slipped out of bed to change and get ready. She’s just about done and needs to leave in ten minutes to make it to the restaurant in time.

Smoothing down the front of her skirt she examines her reflection as best she can in the small mirror.

“Where are you going?” Satoru asks, waking up bleary eyed and belligerent.

“It’s Kenji’s last day in Tokyo so I’m meeting him for breakfast.”

Satoru frowns, “Who’s Kenji?”

“My middle school friend. I told you about him, remember.”

“Oh right.” Satoru sits up, tenting the duvet with his knees, “I thought we were going to spend the day together.”

“That was yesterday.” Suguru reminds him, “I didn’t know you were going to be so late back. I already made these plans a few days ago.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“What?” Suguru blinks, “You don’t know Kenji, why would you come?”

“To spend time with you obviously.”

“Satoru, that's a little… rude. Kenji and I made the plans for just the two of us and he’s never met you before.”

“So text him and tell him I’m coming.”

“I’m not going to do that.”

“What about if I pay for the meal? Would that make it better?”

“That’s just-” Suguru sighs, “No Satoru. That’s not how things work.”

“Then how do they work? I want to see you.” Satoru gets out of her bed, “We only see each other once every few weeks anyway and you were busy last time.”

Suguru feels a familiar guilt that she’s better at ignoring when Satoru isn’t around pinch her heart.

“I’ll text him.” She compromises.

Suguru: hi Kenji-kun, so sorry for the late notice but one of my school friends just got back from a trip and is asking if they can join us for breakfast, they got back really late last night so i feel a little bad since i haven’t seen them in a while.

Kenji: no problem! We can always get a coffee after breakfast if we want to say goodbye on our own

Suguru smiles.

“He said it’s okay.” She tells Satoru, “But you need to get ready quickly because we have to leave in less than ten minutes.”

“That’s fine, give me five.” Satoru, as has become his habit, teleports instead of walking and reappears less than five minutes later in casual clothes with his hair and teeth brushed.

“C’mon.” He takes her hand, “I can teleport us.”

“We can just take a taxi.” Suguru cautions, “You had that mission yesterday, you must be tired.”

Satoru’s shoulders relax, “Yeah a little.” He smiles behind his sunglasses. “Let’s get a taxi then.”

The journey to the restaurant is short and Kenji is already there when they arrive despite them being exactly on time.

“Kenji-kun.” Suguru gives him a hug, “I can’t believe you’re leaving Tokyo already!” She puts a hand on Satoru’s arm, “This is Gojo Satoru, he’s a classmate of mine.”

“Nice to meet you.” Kenji smiles at Satoru.

“Yeah likewise. C’mon let’s sit, I’m starving.”

They all sit.

“Suguru said you’d just come back from a trip?”

“Huh, oh yeah, didn’t get back in until like two last night.”

Kenji makes a sympathetic expression, “That sucks, were there flight delays or something?”

“Something like that.” Satoru cracks open the menu, “I’m so hungry I might drop dead.”

Suguru laughs at the comment before turning to Kenji, “The time has passed so fast, I can’t believe it’s already been more than a month!”

“Same! I was thinking last night about what my favourite bits of Tokyo were.”

“Oh?” Suguru smiles as she leans forward, “I have to know.”

“The Nezu museum.” Kenji lists, “That first day we spent together was so nice, I think my mood about Tokyo would actually be completely different without it.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, and that underground cinema you took me to where we watched that French film.”

Suguru laughs, “I thought you didn’t like that film.”

“It grew on me.” Kenji tries to assert, “Also the big bookshop.”

“Oh that was really good when we-”

“Hey Suguru,” Satoru leans over her, practically on top of her as he peers at her menu over her shoulder, “What are you going to get?”

“Oh. Um, I wasn’t looking yet. Kenji-kun what do you think?”

“Maybe the french toast?” Kenji suggests.

“I was thinking of that.” Satoru says, leaning back into his seat.

“It looks good.” Kenji agrees. He’s trying very hard to be friendly, staring at Satoru’s idol face and the way he wears sunglasses inside. A real city boy, though of course he doesn’t really know who he’s actually sitting with.

They all end up ordering the french toast and even though sweets aren’t Suguru’s favourite, she’s just not sure she can be bothered to comb the menu for other options.

“So, Kenji.” Satoru leans forward on the table on his elbows, “What kind of girls are you into?”

“Ah haha.” Kenji rubs the back of his head with his hand, “That’s-”

“Satoru! You can’t just ask questions like that!” Suguru protests.

“Why not? We’re both guys. You just have to look away and cover your ears I’m afraid.” Satoru barks a laugh.

Suguru rolls her eyes, “You’re not funny Satoru.”

“Sure sure.” He slouches back in his seat.

“I mean… I like nice girls.” Kenji says, smiling a little, “Kindness is the most important thing and then I suppose… girls that are easy to talk to, confident and elegant.”

“Huh, wonder who matches those traits.” Satoru muses.

Suguru’s smile feels very stiff. “Those are lovely qualities Kenji-kun, any girl would be lucky to be with you.” Then before anyone can say anything else she changes the subject to something safer.

Their food comes quickly and then eating lubricates the atmosphere. Enough so that Suguru feels confident enough to leave the table and go to the bathroom. Satoru isn’t talking much anyway, more preoccupied with inhaling his food and then most of Suguru’s when she’d had as much as she could stand

She’s coming out of the bathroom when she bumps into Satoru in the small corridor.

“Satoru! Don’t sneak up like that.”

“If you weren’t distracted you would have sensed me coming.”

“I’m not distracted.”

“No?” Satoru backs her into the wall.

“Satoru.” She reprimands, “What are you doing-”

He kisses her. Hard. It pushes her back and her head meets the wall. Satoru is bent over her, almost crushing her, hands coming up to grip her upper arms as he kisses her.

It’s the first time they’ve kissed since that night almost a year ago.

Suguru’s eyes stay wide open so she sees the way Satoru’s have drifted shut and the flutter of his white lashes.

She pushes him away, “What are you doing Satoru?” She keeps a hand on his chest, “We’re in public.”

“I wanted to kiss you.” Satoru says as if that’s any kind of explanation at all.

“Just- I’m going back to the table.”

Suguru turns before she can see his expression and goes back to the table, hoping that she doesn’t look too dishevelled.

Judging by Kenji’s welcoming smile she thinks she’s succeeded.

In the end they spend too long at breakfast and since Kenji still needs to do the goodbye course debrief and then one final dinner with his classmates there’s no time for them to get a one on one coffee after all.

She gives him a proper hug outside the restaurant and he hugs back, hands on her hair.

“You’ve made this a really good summer Suguru-chan.” He tells her, “I’ll see you soon okay? It’s not goodbye.”

It’s goodbye for Suguru, she already knows. Even so she smiles and nods and waves when he walks away.

Satoru has been silent where he’s standing next to her and she’s been ignoring him since the kiss. Trying to at least.

“I’m going back to campus.” She says, not looking at him, “See you later.”

“Suguru, wait.” He grabs her shoulder and turns her back around, “I’m sorry I kissed you in the restaurant.”

“Why did you do that?” She asks, almost despairing, “We were doing so well, things were so good between us, why did you have to do that?”

“I just wanted to.” Satoru looks properly upset, it’s such a foreign expression on his face, “I’m sorry okay?”

“I just… I’m not your sure thing Satoru. You can’t just do whatever you want to me whenever you want. I’m not some… some blow up doll for you to have fun with and then put to the side.”

“I don’t think that about you! When have I ever treated you like that? You’re so important to me Suguru, can’t you tell? Why do you even think this way?”

“It’s not as though I’m even your girlfriend.” Suguru hates herself for saying it as she does because it’s not the point she wants to make.

“Then be my girlfriend. I should have asked before, be my girlfriend Suguru.”

“No.”

“Why not?” Satoru is rapidly becoming frustrated and Suguru doesn't want to have this conversation on the street outside of this random restaurant while pedestrians walk past them.

“Satoru.” She takes a deep breath, “Let’s just pretend we never had this conversation okay? We’ll pretend you never did that and this never happened and we can go back to the way things were, okay?”

Satoru scowls, “No.”

“It’s not a choice.” She says sharply, “This is what I’m offering, take it or leave it.”

Satoru stares at her, eyes blown wide behind his glasses, and that penetrating godly stare takes her apart piece by piece.

Suguru glares back.

“Okay.” Satoru steps back, scrubbing his hands back through his hair, “Okay fine.”

He doesn’t sound happy but neither is Suguru.

Whether or not they like it isn’t the point, it’s the right thing to do anyway, regardless of personal feeling.

*

It’s been a whole year. A whole year.

How does time keep running on like this? How is it possible that life still continues? Suguru doesn’t understand it, how there seems to be no cause and effect. Tragedy is a contained thing with a limited blast radius and the world keeps turning.

It’s not fair.

Suguru has a quick mission just outside of Tokyo proper. A powerful but jittery curse clinging to an older woman, not hurting her but making all the fruit trees shrivel and flowers wither.

Suguru takes it while she and the woman are talking and swallows it quickly when the other isn’t looking. It doesn’t even squirm and instead settles, dead and heavy, in the bottomless pit of her body.

“It’s nice to talk to someone for once.” The woman says, eyes droopy and sad like her expression had been fixed that way for far too long.

“It’s no problem.” Suguru smiles at her, now that the curse is gone things should become better, “Do you not get many visitors?”

“No.” The woman shakes her head, “I… after everything that happened I was so ashamed I ran away and refused to see anyone.”

Suguru hadn’t been paying proper attention to the first part of the story and so just nodded in understanding in lieu of actually saying anything.

“But then the shame faded after enough years and I was just… alone. Back then I never thought things could get better, I was convinced I should either go into hiding or kill myself and that was it. But now that I’m older.” The woman stares at nothing in particular, “I think I should have had the baby, because then at least I wouldn’t be alone.”

Suguru doesn’t know what to say. Ultimately there’s not much she actually can say, you can’t change someone through conversation alone and she’s hardly the one that will be able to do it.

“Thank you for your time.” Suguru finally says after long enough, “I enjoyed our chat.”

“So did I.” The woman is looking at her, eyes wide as if waking up after too long stuck in molasses, “I… feel so much better… you’re a very sweet girl Geto-san.”

“Thank you.” Suguru is shown out and the woman stands on her front step and waves all the way until she walks out of view.

Suguru doesn’t quite want to go back to the college yet but she also isn’t sure what else she can do. She’s in a mood to waste time but on what is unclear. The town is small with a few coffee shops and supermarkets and one or two boutiques.

There’s also a temple a little walk out so Suguru chooses that as a destination.

The day is good. Clear skies. Warm breeze. She feels tentatively… good. It’s terrifying to realise because the pit yawns behind her, just a misstep away and the fall will hurt.

Thankfully the temple is nice. It’s empty and wind chimes sound in the distance. There’s a small counter for tourists manned by an old man who smiles at her so hard his eyes disappear into his wrinkled face.

Suguru is in the mood to talk and so smiles back and walks over.

“Hello.” She greets, “You have a lovely temple.”

“Thank you very much miss.” The man is immediately pleased, “The locals call us the temple for a thousand children because we have so many statues of ji*zō.”

“Ah I see.” Suguru looks around and takes in the mossy stones peering out from behind trees and lining the paths carved in the shape of the bodhisattva. “They’re lovely.”

“Each is an offering from parents who have lost children.” The man continues, coming out from behind the counter so he can lead Suguru around the temple, “In the area we perform the ritual of mizuko kuyō the most often for our patrons. Though of course that’s not something a young lady like yourself should have to worry about.”

Suguru shakes her head and while she’s smiling she’s sure it doesn’t look right. “Ah that’s not entirely fair… it is relevant to me.”

The old man’s expression doesn’t change and he smiles at her the same. “Then this is a good temple for you.”

“Mm. It’s been a year.” Suguru stares at the green growth creeping over the path, at the way nature takes over everything and makes it better. “I don’t think about it as much as I should.”

The man keeps smiling, “However much you think about it is the right amount, that’s what I’ve always thought.”

Suguru follows him around the perimeter of the gardens and then into the wooden structure. It’s cool inside, a shock from the humid and heavy day outside. She slips off her shoes before stepping onto the tatami.

“Have a look around, take your time.” The old man says, “I’ll be going back to the entrance.”

“Mm.”

Suguru waits until he’s gone and then walks up to the altar. The bell rope dangles and she tugs lightly to ring it. She then takes out some coins, and throws them into the box, claps twice and bows her head.

I hope things keep getting better and that nothing bad ever happens to the people I care about.

I hope my baby’s soul has peacefully re-entered the cycle of reincarnation and they’ll be reborn into a better life.

Suguru can’t think about any more prayers so she just runs her teeth over those two, distilling them down to their purest forms:

I hope I can forgive myself.

I hope I never lose anyone I love.

I hope in another year from now I’ll know what to do.

Once done she lingers for one last moment before leaving the temple, putting her shoes back on, and walking back up the path to the entrance.

“Thank you so much.” She calls to the old man as she exits.

He waves back, “Have a good rest of your day, miss.”

As she walks back to the train station Suguru decides that she feels ready to go back to Tokyo now. She still feels uncharacteristically cheerful and wonders when she had become a person who was more used to being unhappy than otherwise.

Her phone rings when she’s on the train.

“Moshi moshi.”

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“I’m on the train right now.” Suguru leans back in her seat, “What are you doing?”

“Being bored in traffic.” She hears a thump and imagines the way Satoru likely kicked the seat in reproach, “But I’ll be back tonight.”

“Looking forward to it.”

“Yeah. Hey listen Suguru… why don’t we go out somewhere? For dinner.”

“We always go out for dinner.” Suguru lets her eyes unfocus on the landscape rushing past, “Why all the pageantry suddenly?”

“I want to take you out somewhere, maybe not to dinner. We could go to the theatre or to a jazz bar or something.”

“Do you even like jazz?”

“Does that matter? You like jazz, right?”

Suguru doesn’t actually have any strong opinions on jazz, “I’m fine with it.”

“What about the ballet? They’re in their off season now but Maki Asami’s La Dame aux Camélias is opening in November.”

Suguru doesn’t think she’s ever expressed an interest in ballet to Satoru before.

“Sure. Why not.” She finds herself saying, “It’ll be a nice activity then.”

“Great because I already pre-booked tickets.”

Suguru laughs, “What, as we’re speaking now?”

“Nah I bought them last month when they went on sale.”

“Without me even agreeing? What if I hated the ballet?”

“Then I guess Shoko could take both tickets.”

“Both? Why wouldn’t you just take Shoko?”

“You’re assuming I like the ballet that much too, Shoko could take Utahime, she’s the real dance freak.”

“Don’t call her a freak.” But Suguru is smiling anyway and Satoru likely can tell.

“Freak.” Satoru repeats because he’s an awful menace who Suguru is far too charmed by.

“Satoru… I went to a really beautiful temple today.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me about it.”

“It was so peaceful and full of statues for ji*zō. There was moss everywhere so it looked a bit overgrown but in a good way, it makes me think that after all humans have died and gone the world will grow back over everything we built and that wouldn’t be so bad.”

“Mm. I miss you Suguru.”

“Me too, but we’ll see each other soon anyway.”

“Yeah.” Light exhale.

“Tell me about your mission.” Suguru prompts because even though she doesn’t really want to hear about it she wants Satoru to have someone to talk to about this kind of thing. It’s not like anyone else is offering with the way he walks around calling people freaks.

Lulled by his chattering, Suguru allows herself to marinate in the contentment.

It feels horribly unstable but everything unfortunately does. Suguru needs to learn to live with it.

She’s not upset about it, not when Nanako and Mimiko are so sweet and clingy and needy.

“They weren’t so touchy with us.” Haibara shares when the girls have fallen asleep in Suguru’s lap, “You really have special powers Geto-senpai.”

Suguru brushed a whisper-light touch across both girls’ heads, smoothing down their hair.

“I’m glad I can help.” She didn’t know the full story. Nanami and Haibara had debriefed on their own with Yaga and all Nanami had said was that the twins were in a “bad situation”. Haibara hadn’t added anything more to that assessment.

“I wonder what’s going to happen to them.” Haibara sat down opposite her on the floor so he was below where Suguru was sitting on the sofa. “Since they’re shaman, do you think they’ll be adopted by jujutsu families? I think they should be, just so everyone understands them seeing cursed spirits and stuff.”

“Gojo-senpai? Yeah, I’m sure he has all kinds of connections.”

Suguru runs the back of her finger down Mimiko’s smooth skin. She’d helped the girls wash and change earlier and they’d been dirty and injured. As much as Nanami and Haibara might keep their mouths shut, she can guess what happened and she hates the image of it. They’re both so small, who could touch them? She wants to kill everyone that tried.

Haibara leans his elbows on his knees and looks up at her where he’s sitting on the floor, “Geto-senpai-”

He’s interrupted by the arrival of a tall blonde woman.

“Yo!” She grins, posing, “Are you Geto-chan?”

“Shhh.” Suguru cautions, putting her hands on the girls heads, “They’re sleeping. Who are you?” She’s being rude but she doesn’t care.

“Ah sorry sorry.” The woman whispers exaggeratedly, “My name is Tsukumo Yuki, I’m actually here to talk to Gojo Satoru, if you know where he is.”

Surprisingly it’s Haibara who speaks, having gotten up and moved closer to Suguru, “Gojo-senpai is away right now. He’s not available for a meeting.”

“Ah damn.” Tsukumo Yuki pouts and taps her foot, “What a bummer.”

“If there’s anything to discuss, I’m sure Geto-senpai would be more than able to.” Haibara says firmly.

“Mah, well alright then. I actually stopped by a month ago but there was no one around then and I hate schools, I would prefer not to hang around if I don’t have to.”

“As long as you don’t wake the girls up.” Suguru keeps her hands resting gently on them, “What do you want to talk about?”

Tsukumo pulls up a chair and sits down. For some strange reason Haibara stays standing by Suguru’s side. “I actually want to discuss what I’m trying to do: create a curse free world instead of spending our lifetimes just treating the symptoms by hunting and eradicating curses as they pop up.”

Suguru stares at her, “A curse free world?”

It sounds like someone is speaking life into all her craziest imaginings. Maybe Suguru is just very unambitious for never having explored her thoughts fully. Tsukumo Yuki is clearly a more confident woman than her while Suguru is even content to have languished for so long as a cog in an ever grinding wheel.

“There are two possible methods.” Tsukumo says, holding up her fingers, “The first is to eliminate cursed energy from mankind which I admit I thought had a good chance of working. The test case is someone you know well, Zenin Toji.”

Suguru’s expression spasms and Tsukumo unfortunately catches it because she smiles in a way that’s likely meant to be kind. “You shouldn’t feel ashamed of losing to him, it-”

“Tsukumo-san.” Haibara cuts in, “I’m very sorry to interrupt but this sounds like a complicated discussion. Right now Geto-senpai is in the middle of looking after Mimiko and Nanako. I don’t want to overstep but maybe another time would be better.”

This is the most outspoken against an older figure Haibara has ever been. Suguru stares at him but doesn’t try to protest.

Tsukumo eyes dart to the girls and then back to Suguru’s face before she shrugs, “Fine. I can see I’ve caught you at a bad moment and I don’t want to be rude, besides next time maybe I’ll be able to catch Gojo-kun too.”

“Yes.” Haibara all but herds the woman away, walking after her as she leaves.

Suguru watches them go and can’t help but wonder what Tsukumo was going to say next.

In her sleep Mimiko makes a little noise and Suguru’s attention is immediately and entirely taken.

*

When Satoru swoops in and commits himself he really can solve any and all problems. He charms Mimiko and Nanako with fistfuls of sweet and pretty pastry boxes of cream puffs and sources some Gojo cousins to adopt the girls.

“I’ll come and visit you a lot.” Suguru promises. Mimiko and Nanako had slept in her single bed with her watching over them every night for the past two weeks and she’ll miss them fiercely.

Gojo’s cousins, Miyoko and Norio, are standing next to their car. Satoru is with them, talking quietly. It’s strange to see him interact with members of his clan, the way these fully grown adults fawn over and defer to childish bratty whiny Satoru who isn’t any of those things in front of them.

They’re both nice individuals, a slightly older couple whose two other children are both grown up and living abroad. They have a nice house with a big garden and Satoru has assured Suguru that they’ll let her be as big a part of the girls' lives as she wants.

“Mm, we’ll see you soon Geto-sama.” Mimiko says with big eyes. It’s a question wrapped in a statement, so cautious for being so young.

“Of course.” She gives Nanako a kiss on her forehead and then Mimiko one too. “You know my phone number right.” She then whispers to the girls. “Repeat it to me, okay?”

“Mm.” Nanako leans up and murmurs it in her ear.

She leads them to the car and bows to Miyoko and Norio, “Thank you for your help.”

“No trouble at all.” Miyoko takes Nanako’s hand from Suguru and gives the girl a friendly smile. While it’s not returned Nanako also doesn’t shrink away which is positive.

Mimiko lets go of Suguru’s hand and gets into the back of her car with her sister.

“Do a good job.” Satoru tells his cousins, tilting his head and letting his lips stretch into something that might be called a smile, “Good luck.”

“Yes, of course Gojo-sama.” Norio swallows visibly before he gets behind the wheel and off the car goes.

Suguru waves as hard as she can and watches the way Mimiko and Nanako wave back before they disappear around the corner.

“They’ll be good at taking care of them.” Satoru assures her, “If they’re not, I'll just banish them from the clan.”

Suguru huffs, “Sure.”

“I’m serious. The benefits of me owing them are worth looking after two very cute little girls.” Satoru puts an arm around her shoulder, “Hey, since we’re already almost off campus lets’ go get something to eat, okay?”

It’s an awful excuse and Suguru really isn’t feeling up to it so she just shakes her head, “I’m a little tired.”

“Well then let’s go back to the dorms, we can watch a movie or something.”

“Alright.”

She feels melancholy suddenly. It hurts in the pit of her stomach down to her fingertips. Her eyes are heavy with old emotion. Without Mimiko and Nanako to distract her she’s aware of how full her head and how empty her body feels.

Satoru keeps his arm around her as they walk together, naturally falling into step. She leans her head on his shoulder as they pass under the wooden awnings into the cooler corridor.

“Thank you Satoru. I’m so glad the girls are going to be well taken care of.”

“Of course, this kind of stuff, or anything really that you need help with, you can just ask me..”

“Mm.” They’ve reached her room and there’s not even any pretend back and forth when he comes inside this time. They’ve grown past it apparently.

Her sheets need to be changed anyway so she doesn’t ask him to shower and instead just flops onto her bed and lets him crash down next to her and sweep her up into his embrace.

It’s almost like it’s become natural by now.

“You’re so good with kids Suguru.” He nuzzles her cheek. “You’d be such a great mother.”

The impulse almost takes her over. The stupid masoch*stic destructive impulse.

Tell him.

“Mimiko and Nanako are lovely.” Suguru says instead, “But all children are easy to love, they’re… untouched. All are born naturally good.”

“Oh really?” Satoru is smiling. He has no idea. “Then was I born good too?”

“Of course you were.”

“Hm. If you met me as a child would you have babied me the way you just did Nanako and Mimiko?”

“Probably.”

“Mommy Suguruuu.” Satoru stretches her name out. He has no idea what he’s doing to her.

Tell him.

TELL HIM.

TELL HIM.

“Actually,” Suguru turns away, “I’m sleepy, I might just take a nap. You should go.”

“Hey what?” Satoru, three months off eighteen and huffing like a dog denied a treat, scowls, “We’re going to watch a movie, you can sleep while it plays.”

“I’m just not in the mood.” Suguru closes her eyes and keeps them studiously shut, “Please go Satoru.”

“Was it something I said? Was it because I called you mommy? I mean… that’s not rude is it? I mean it seriously, you’re so great with kids Suguru. I’m not trying to say you look… pregnant or fat or anything. I just think you’d be a great mother.” Satoru leans over her, crouches on top of her to try and see her face, “C’mon Suguru don’t be upset. If you ever had kids then-”

“Stop it! Stop it Satoru!” She shoves him off her and retreats across her bed.

TELL HIM.

She can’t.

“Satoru, please just go.” She covers her face with her hands.

“What is it? What did I do?”

“Nothing. You did nothing.”

“Then why’re you so upset suddenly? C’mon Suguru, talk to me.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t get it.” Satoru sounds honestly frustrated, “What did I say? Do you not want to have kids or something? I thought you wanted them, I’m sorry if I was wrong but you-”

“Shut up!” Suguru gets off her bed and makes for the door but Satoru catches her.

She’s lost composure. It’s going to come out. She’s going to throw up all over the floor between them.

It’s been a whole year. Twelve months.

Nothing and everything has changed.

“Suguru talk to me! I feel like I never know what’s going on in your head, we’ll be fine one moment and then the next you’re pushing me away and I just don’t understand what sets you off. If you tell me then I can manage it, just tell me what you want me to do.”

Gojo Satoru. The strongest with no instructions.

“That night.” She finally says, knowing it’s a mistake, “You didn’t use protection.”

He frowns, glasses slipping down his nose, “What? What are you-”

“You didn’t use protection. You came inside of me, remember?”

Satoru’s cheeks colour pink but conversely Suguru has never felt so calm. She’s frozen internally and when cracked open all that comes sliding out is a clear block of ice, not the messy steaming tangle of innards that should be expected.

“I guess I did.”

Satoru takes his glasses off and puts them in his pocket.

“Did you think about what could have happened when you did that?”

Satoru hasn’t lost colour but his lips tighten, “Suguru, I really am sorry about that night. I was too rough with you, I should have been more careful.”

“That’s not the point. You came inside of me, didn’t you think I might get pregnant?”

“I wasn’t thinking so deeply about it. But I should have, I was careless.”

Suguru stares at him. At his familiar beautiful face that she’s seen in every possible state. Repentance to pleasure to joy to rage and all the way back again.

She doesn’t want to say it and if she doesn’t say it today then she truly never will. Maybe it’s fine if she never says it and he never learns. It could be fine. It would be fine.

“I wasn’t thinking.” Satoru admits, he cups her cheek, “I just wanted to feel close to you, I wasn’t thinking about anything else.”

“You really hurt me that night Satoru.”

He looks stricken, “I didn’t want to.”

“I know.” She shouldn’t absolve him but she can’t help it, she can’t help but defend him, even to himself. “But you still did. That night… it was like I wasn’t your best friend anymore. I was just a girl.”

“I don’t respect you less.” Satoru protests. “I don’t think any differently about you.”

“Or maybe that’s worse.” Suguru continues. Should should take his hand off her face but doesn’t. “If you were thinking about it the whole time we were together, imagining me naked and f*cking me when we were best friends. If I was always just a girl to you.”

“I wasn’t.” He continues to protest, passionate, “And us making love and being friends, they’re not mutually exclusive. We can have both.”

“We can’t.”

“Why not? Why can’t we?”

Suguru finally moves back so his hand falls off her face, “Because I don’t want to just be the girl whose bed you crawl into! Who you f*ck when you’re high from a fight! Like I’m not my own person with my own things-”

“You think I don’t know that! All you have is all your own things! Kenji-kun and Haibara and Nanami and Shoko and all your own things all of the time! What do you want me to do Suguru? I want to be with you always, the way we could be. What can I do to make that happen?”

“You can’t make it happen. I don’t want it.”

“Well I don’t want this where we cuddle every night and you push me away when I try to kiss you and refuse to say why but we talk on the phone like everything’s normal. I don’t want to walk a f*cking tightrope forever where you could shove me off at any time!”

“Then you shouldn’t have f*cked me! We could have stayed friends and nothing would ever have changed!”

“If I knew it would be like this then yeah, I wouldn’t have touched you. If it meant I wouldn’t feel like you’re running away all the time then I wouldn’t have done it.” Satoru pressed a hand to his forehead, “What do you want from me Suguru? You like me too. I know you do.”

“It’s not about liking you.” Suguru says instead of saying Yes. Yes yes. I like you so much even though I shouldn’t. “You’re apologising now but that’s because it didn’t turn out the way you wanted, I don’t think you really know what you’re even apologising for.”

“I’m apologising for hurting you, isn’t that it?” Satoru’s sacred eyes are suddenly red-rimmed and his mouth is set.

That is it. In many ways. But it also falls short, though not because of Satoru himself.

Unfortunately feelings exist in shades of grey, Suguru’s most of all, and she’s not satisfied with anything. One year has been inadequate for the kind of healing she needs. She’s still more hurt than she realised. And now she’s shown Satoru and hates herself for it.

She wants him to leave her alone. She wants him to give up.

“After graduation.” She says, voicing more of a thought than a real plan like it’s concrete, “I’m going to leave Jujutsu and go become a civilian.”

“What? But why?”

“I want to live a normal life and I want to have children and a husband who works during normal hours and I want to never have to see so much blood ever again.”

Satoru shakes his head, “I don’t understand. So you would leave? You would leave me?”

“Yes.”

“But I can give you that! I can give it to you, the children and the ordinary life. My family has properties with no cursed objects or anything, just regular houses. We can take one and I won’t bring any jujutsu stuff inside. I won’t talk about missions or anything like that either and you know I’m the strongest, I won’t ever get hurt or die. Suguru,” He cups her cheek again, fingers digging in a little too tight, “I know you’re scared but you don’t have to be worried for me, okay?”

He understands everything and nothing. Her perfectly imperfect overly-attached godling.

She loves him too.

“I can’t have children with you Satoru. They’ll inherit too many expectations being yours. I couldn’t stand the thought of them fighting curses either, as long as you are who you are I can’t see any kind of real future for us.”

Satoru stares at her. She’s finally shut him up.

The hand not on her face curls into a fist.

“So that’s it?” He asks, “That’s all? You’re giving up on us like that?”

His voice is even but the fist is shaking.

“There was never an us.” Suguru says, “We’re just… it wouldn’t work. Just accept it Satoru, I have.”

“No you f*cking haven’t.” His anger finally spills over. He’s likely not yet old enough to be able to control it successfully the way he’ll one day learn to. “If you have then why are you like this? You’re so… you know you're mine Suguru. You know it.”

“I’m not yours.” Suguru bites back, “I’m allowed not to choose you.”

“Then why do you act the way you do? You can’t talk to me the way you do and sleep next to me the way you do and say you haven’t chosen me. You’re not-”

“I aborted our baby!”

It comes out wrong. She hadn’t even meant to say it.

Satoru shuts up. His eyes are wide and so so so blue.

They stand there in suspended silence. Satoru’s mouth works around nothing because there’s nothing to say.

She finally moves back, out of his grasp and that hand falls to his side once it's no longer anchored to her face.

She’s so tired. So so tired.

“So don’t ask me for anything else Satoru. I made my choice a long time ago.”

He’s not moving, not speaking, barely even breathing.

And Suguru has nothing more to say because now that she’s finally won and made the great Gojo Satoru be quiet and listen to her she has nothing else.

So she turns and leaves her room.

He doesn’t follow.