The feeling of loving a friend, partner, or family member is all-consuming and comforting. Despite the hills and valleys that come with that intimate relationship, love has a way of shining bright through it all. But, what happens when the seeds of hate start to sprout in a garden of love and you find yourself filled with both admiration and disdain for the same person? While hate is essentially on the other end of the spectrum of feelings, emotional ambivalence happens and it is not uncommon.
As it’s happening, you may not realize that you are indeed in the midst of loving and hating a person all at the same time. Unlike the person that you despise or the family member that you absolutely adore, emotional ambivalence allows for hate and love to co-exist rather than one overshadowing the other. When you’re a small child and you express hostility, in that moment, you feel that your feelings are the only reality, and you forget about loving feelings. Small children cry out, “I hate you” or “I wish you would die”, a child actually believes that is what they want. Hopefully, the adults or caregivers around them can understand that the hostility is just a passing state, not absolute, and that the child couldn’t help themselves in expressing their feelings nor do they always understand.
As we grow up, hopefully our experiences teaches us the same thing, that despite having any underlying feelings of anger or hate, we might not always feel that way – it is a passing feeling, and it is possible to love that same person.
The dichotomy between emotions of love and hate can be confusing when they seem to exist at the same time. Anyone who has struggled to hold back angry feelings during an argument, including the wish to become physical, knows how difficult this can be. In my psychotherapy practice, I am particularly struck when a partner blurts out “f*ck you!” That partner invariably starts to say some of the most hurtful statements to inflict pain on their significant other. Although there can be many reasons for the hostility, such as a breach of trust or deep feelings of hurt – just to name a few, what I’ve learned in those moments as the observer is that the ambivalence of holding two feelings could no longer be tolerated, and hatred won out.
For some people, the way that they are able to cope with this ambivalence is by splitting, which is a basic defense mechanism where you learn to redirect the negative emotion elsewhere so that they can preserve the love that they have for that person. In the real world, this can translate into a person being very judgmental or rude for seemingly no reason. While this may provide momentary relief, it will fade and the hate is essentially still there. Projecting that anger and frustration elsewhere is like a quick distraction that really isn’t addressing the issue at hand. It doesn’t help you find a way to balance and tolerate difficult emotions and live happily while doing so. Being able to express your anger, frustration, or hostility gives you the space to other pleasurable emotions, and work towards a finding a solution to the issue.
As we mature and learn to navigate our feelings, learning to decipher the root of the hate or hostility and tolerate these feelings enables us to relate better with others. Balancing between the feelings of hate and love is a part of life and growing up. For some people, the feelings of hate are momentary or situational and they are able to move beyond it and rebuild their love. However, some are in situations where the pendulum is constantly swinging between the two emotions, pinging on one side and then the other. In that instance, finding a way to tolerate both while addressing the negative feelings can offer a calming relief for everyone in the partnership.
Turning Inward:
The best place to start your journey into exploring these feelings is to take a look at the arguments you’ve had in the past with your partner or parents. Can you remember what it felt like to get angry and lash out? How did you cope with it? Take a look at the resulting damage without trying to take refuge in self-justifications, like “He deserved it” or “She started it.”
If you can look at this part of you it may give you some insight into your beliefs and attitudes toward hostility in general and your ability to accept it as part of you.
In my practice, some of my clients have felt a deep sense of relief when I helped them acknowledge their anger or hostility towards their partners, parents or even, children. Facing the reality of your hostile feelings towards loved ones, accepting that it’s okay to feel hatred may come as a relief to you, too.
FAQs
As it's happening, you may not realize that you are indeed in the midst of loving and hating a person all at the same time. Unlike the person that you despise or the family member that you absolutely adore, emotional ambivalence allows for hate and love to co-exist rather than one overshadowing the other.
Can love and hate coexist? ›
It's possible to experience strong love and hate towards the same person or thing. You may not realize it at the time, but you may even experience a confusing mix of love and hate towards someone or feel conflicted between the two as though you can't make up your mind about them.
Is it possible to love and hate something at the same time? ›
Although they're often framed as opposites, we can experience both love and hate for something at the same time. A love-hate relationship can exist between friends, family, coworkers, and, most frequently, romantic partners.
What is philomisia? ›
Philomisia is the noun for the hatred of love. The person would probably be called a Philomisiaist or a Philomisist.
What is the pain of being in love with someone you can never be with? ›
The pain of loving someone you can never be with is a profound and melancholic experience. Love, with all its complexities, can evoke contrasting emotions within us. It can be both beautiful and agonizing, capable of encompassing good and evil, beauty and ugliness.
What is philophobia? ›
Philophobia — a fear of love — can negatively affect your ability to have meaningful relationships. A painful breakup, divorce, abandonment or rejection during childhood or adulthood may make you afraid to fall in love.
What is emotional dissonance? ›
Emotional dissonance is a feeling of unease that occurs when someone evaluates an emotional experience as a threat to his or her identity.
What is emotional ambivalence? ›
Emotional ambivalence is the simultaneous experience of positive and negative emotions about something. It's what we think of as being “torn.”
Can someone hate you after loving you? ›
Once they fall in love, expectations soar. People tend to get hurt when the other person does anything even slightly insensitive and this may spur hate eventually. So YES, it is possible to fall in love with someone and end up hating them.
What is it called when you love but hate someone? ›
A love–hate relationship is an interpersonal relationship involving simultaneous or alternating emotions of love and hate—something particularly common when emotions are intense. The term is used frequently in psychology, popular writing and journalism.
The key to the word's meaning lies in misos, the Greek word for "hatred," here combined with gamos, or "marriage." Definitions of misogamist. a person who hates, avoids, or opposes marriage. type of: individual, mortal, person, somebody, someone, soul.
What is the emotion between love and hate? ›
When love blends with hate, this is a case of ambivalence. In functional relationships, the ambivalence tends to be short-lived. The love trumps the hate. But ambivalence lasts longer whenever two emotions or desires genuinely compete.
What emotion is hatred? ›
Hatred or hate is an intense negative emotional response towards certain people, things or ideas, usually related to opposition or revulsion toward something. Hatred is often associated with intense feelings of anger, contempt, and disgust.
Can someone love you but hurt you? ›
Love is closely connected with vulnerability: the ability to hurt and to be hurt. Although some kinds of hurt in love are intended, most of them are not. Nevertheless, someone who deliberately hurts another person can simultaneously claim to love that person.
Can you fall in love with someone you shouldn't? ›
This way, someone can be in love with somebody completely out of reach over long periods of time, even years. Taken together, falling in love with someone you shouldn't is not some mysterious magical process beyond the understanding of the human mind.
Can you fall in love with someone you never? ›
Can you have an emotional connection with someone you've never met? Yes. Absolutely. You can have strong feelings for someone the same way you fall in love with a fiction story and the characters.
Are love and hate linked? ›
Therefore, love and hate are indeed related. As Alford (2005) proposed, hate is an imitation of love and also a type of relationship with others and oneself. That is, in managing their relationships with others, people are at the same time managing themselves and their psyches (Alford, 2005).
What is the rule for like love hate? ›
The verbs hate, love, like, & prefer are usually followed by a gerund when the meaning is general, and by the infinitive when they refer to a particular time or situation. You must always use the infinitive with the expressions would love to, would hate to, etc.
Do love and hate feel the same? ›
Love and hate are similar in being directed toward another person because of who he or she is. Despite this similarity, the two seem like polar opposites. Very often when we love someone, we want them to thrive. When we hate someone, we are more likely to wish they would suffer — or at least change who they are.
Which is stronger, love or hate? ›
Love is a powerful force because it drives, directs, navigates, and gives meaning to our existence. While hate encourages loneliness, love forbids it. While hate undermines individuality, love strengthens it. Incredible acts of giving come from love, but aggressive behaviour comes from hatred.
