What to Do If Your Husband Is Texting Another Woman (And Should You Confront Her?) (2024)

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Co-authored byRaffi Bilek, LCSW-Cand Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: February 28, 2024Fact Checked

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   Ask your husband what’s going on. If you’ve noticed that your husband is acting suspicious, it’s totally reasonable to want to know what’s up. But unless you’ve seen clear evidence that the texts are inappropriate, don’t assume the worst. Instead, mention the issue to your husband and ask him to clarify things.^[1] Approach him in a calm, non-confrontational way.^[2]

   • Say something like, “I’ve noticed you’re texting Melissa a lot lately. Can we talk about what’s going on?”^[3]
   • Avoid making accusations, which could put him on the defensive and shut down the conversation before you get any real answers.^[4]
   • Even if you know for sure that the texts are inappropriate, asking him what’s up is a good way to start the conversation. Calmly tell him that you saw his texts and would like to talk about it so you can understand what’s happening.^[5]
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   Tell him how you feel. Use “I” language to express your thoughts and emotions, which will be less likely to make your husband feel attacked.^[6] This means using phrases like “I feel . . . when you . . .”^[7]

   • For instance, you could say, “I feel really worried when I see you texting your friend so often,” or “I’m just feeling a little insecure about our marriage lately. I feel like it’s harder for us to connect with each other.”
   • If you know for sure that he’s cheating on you, you could say something like, “I feel extremely hurt and betrayed right now. It would really help me if we could sit down and discuss this.”

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   Watch for signs that he’s not being honest and accountable. Ideally, your husband should come clean about what’s really going on between him and the other woman. If he’s been doing anything inappropriate, he should also apologize right away and make an effort to set things right. If he doesn’t, it may be time to have a serious talk about where your marriage is going. Some major red flags to watch out for include:^[8]

   • Minimizing your feelings—for example, “Lighten up, I was just joking around with her!”
   • Acting defensive—e.g., saying things like, “What, so you need to know about everything I’m saying to my friends now?”
   • Shifting the blame to you—for instance, by saying, “Well, maybe I wouldn’t be talking to other women if you’d go to bed with me more often.”
   • Gaslighting you, e.g., by denying what happened—even if you saw the evidence yourself.
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   Resist the temptation to snoop. If you suspect your husband is cheating on you over text, you might be tempted to check his phone or even install a spy app so you can watch everything he’s doing. But reading through someone’s texts without permission is a pretty serious violation of their privacy, and it could do major damage to your marriage, especially if it turns out he wasn’t doing anything wrong.^[9]

   See Also

   This Is Your Sign To Stop Snooping Through Your SO’s PhoneDigital Spying & Divorce - Is Cyber Spying on a Cheating Spouse Illegal?Is It Wrong or Actually Illegal To Snoop Through Your Spouse's Phone? Etiquette v. Respect v. LawfulSpying on a Spouse; Tempting, but Dangerous

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   Most experts don’t recommend it. You might be tempted to call up the other woman in your husband’s life and give her a piece of your mind, but chances are that doing so would only end up making you feel worse.^[10] Before you reach out to her, stop and ask yourself if this is something you might end up regretting.

   • For instance, you might end up learning some details about her relationship with your husband that you didn’t really want to know, or you might get into a stressful argument that doesn’t actually resolve anything.
   • Keep in mind that there’s a good chance the conversation won’t go the way you want it to. For instance, if you’re hoping for an apology from her, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get one.
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   Do it if you feel like it would be helpful to you. Everyone’s situation is different, so there’s no easy yes or no answer. Some people find that they’re able to get closure from reaching out to their spouse’s affair partner.^[11] If you really think that talking to the woman your husband is texting would help put things in perspective for you—or that letting out your feelings to her would help you feel better—then contacting her may be the right thing to do.

   • If you do reach out, do so at a time when you’re calm and have had time to think things through. Don’t call or message her in the heat of the moment.

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   It depends on what you want from the conversation. Before having any difficult conversation, it’s a good idea to set some goals for yourself.^[12] Sit down and write out a list of things you want to say, and try to determine what you want the outcome of the conversation to be.

   • For instance, do you want to ask her to stop contacting your husband? Are you trying to get information from her about their relationship? Or do you just want to vent to her about how you feel?
   • You might find it therapeutic just to write out your thoughts and feelings. In fact, once you’ve done that, you may no longer feel the need to actually confront her. You could always write her a message, then destroy it without sending it to her.
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   Avoid the temptation to lash out. You might feel like calling her names, making accusations, or even threatening her. However, lashing out won’t solve anything, and you’ll probably end up feeling worse as well as looking like “the bad guy.” Instead, focus on expressing your feelings in a calm, civil way.^[13] If you feel yourself getting heated, stop and take some deep breaths, repeat a mantra to yourself (like “Stay strong,” or “Be calm”), or step away for a moment to calm down.^[14]

   • For example, you might say something like, “I feel extremely hurt and angry about what’s been going on between you and my husband. I’d like to ask that you stop contacting him.”
   • Don’t grill her about the details of what’s happened between her and your husband, or ask any other questions you may not actually want the answers to.
   • If you send her a text or email, read it over before you send it. Edit out anything that seems too harsh or accusatory. You can even sleep on it, then look at it again the next morning with fresh eyes.

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   Talk to him about it, but stay calm. If you know for sure that your husband has been sending inappropriate texts, it’s definitely a good idea to sit down and have a serious conversation about it.^[15] However, as angry as you might be, try to keep things civil. If you just found out about what happened, give yourself a little time to cool off before you try to talk to him.^[16]

   • Try saying something like, “I know you’ve been sexting with Eve from work. We need to talk about this.”
   • If your temper starts to rise, try taking some slow, deep breaths to calm yourself. You can also excuse yourself for a few minutes or as long as you need to calm down. Say something like, “I’m getting upset, so I’m going to step away for a bit. Let’s talk more later.”
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   Listen to what he has to say. As tempting as it may be to interrupt your husband, shout at him, or even walk away from him while he’s talking, do your best to hear him out. This will make it easier for him to open up and tell you the truth about what’s going on.^[17]

   • You can even reassure him that you’re willing to listen calmly to whatever he has to say. Say something like, “I know it’s hard to talk about this, but please tell me the truth. I’m listening.”
   • Avoid playing the blame game—just focus on getting the facts about what happened.
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   Discuss what you want to happen next. There’s no single right answer to what you should do if you catch your husband cheating. Depending on how you’re feeling—and how he behaves—you may decide to end the marriage or try to repair things. It may take some time and lots of discussion between the two of you to figure things out.^[18]

   • If you’re interested in staying together, it’s a good idea to talk to a counselor. They can help you figure out the underlying reasons for your husband’s behavior, and offer strategies for preventing a future affair.

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   Sometimes it’s for innocent reasons. For instance, it’s possible that he’s just chatting with a friend or coworker, and there’s nothing sexual or romantic about it. For this reason, it’s important not to make any assumptions without knowing the facts.

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   It could reflect an underlying problem in the relationship. People cheat for a lot of reasons, and they’re usually complicated. If your husband is actually texting inappropriately with another woman, it could be for any one, or a combination of, the following reasons:^[19]

   • He feels a lack of connection, love, or balance in the marriage.
   • He’s afraid of commitment, so he does things to self-sabotage his relationships (consciously or otherwise).
   • He suffers from low self-esteem or insecurity, and he’s hoping that texting another woman will help him feel better about himself.
   • He has issues with sexual addiction.

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See Also
How to retrieve deleted text messages on Android

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   It can be. Texting makes it easy to communicate with other people quickly and privately, anytime and anywhere. While it can be perfectly innocent, it’s also easy to for it to cross the line and become inappropriate.^[20] Texting can become cheating if a married person is using it to have sexual or romantic conversations with other people, without the knowledge or consent of their spouse.

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   Talk to your husband about how you both define cheating. Identifying cheating in a marriage can be tricky, because not everyone defines it the same way.^[21] Your husband might consider sending a flirtatious text to be no big deal, while you might see it as crossing the line. To avoid misunderstandings and serious strife in your marriage, sit down and talk to him about what boundaries and expectations you’d both like to set for each other.^[22]

   • For example, you might say something like, “I’m not comfortable with you sending flirty texts to other women, even if it never progresses any further than that. I know you don’t consider that to be ‘real’ cheating, but it really bothers me.”

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   You could use a phone spy app. There are a variety of apps out there that allow you to track texts and other communications on another person’s phone. A few popular options include mSpy, FlexiSpy, and iKeyMonitor.

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   Just be aware that snooping could be very damaging. Before you resort to tracking your husband’s texts, try communicating with him about what’s going on. Otherwise, you could seriously undermine your relationship by introducing a lot of new trust issues into the mix.^[23]

   • In some cases—for instance, if you’re afraid that he’s hiding something dangerous or illegal from you—then tracking your husband’s texts might be a reasonable approach. Otherwise, try to use it only as a last resort.

   

   Shirley P. Glass, Infidelity Expert

   The partner who had the affair must understand why trust and openness are so critical, not just for the marriage but also for the betrayed partner's self-esteem and sanity. The straying partner should provide thoughtful, honest answers to questions, being patient when necessary and responding sensitively to feelings of hurt, anger, obsession, and shame.

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